Understanding Men and Women (1)
Someone sent me the ebook, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray, about 3 weeks ago. I didn't have the time to read it as it consists of 191 pages and there wasn't any urgency for me to read it then.However, the recent article I read and the comments on my post, "When Romantic Feeling Is Gone", makes me want to read this well-known book.
You may want to have a quick run through of the book by reading the critique or reviews on the book by:
Dr. Gavin McGrath,
Dr. Ray Bohlin and Sue Bohlin,
The Self-Help Classics.
I shall post excerpts from one chapter a day (13 Chapters), which I find thought-provoking, in parts as I read the ebook. I also hope my friends and readers can comment and share their practical experiences so we can validate what's written. Let's learn the art of understanding each together, ok? :)
Now I begin...
Excerpt from Introduction
page 3:
She said, ʺJohn Gray, youʹre a fair‐weather friend! As long as Iʹm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as Iʹm not, you walk right out that door.ʺ
Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, ʺRight now Iʹm in pain. 1 have nothing to give, this is when 1 need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You donʹt have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please donʹt go.ʺ
I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.
At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love, unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair‐weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.
That day, for the fast time, I didnʹt leave her. 1 stayed, and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support her when 1 was shown the way.
How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would have instinctively known what Bonnie needed. But as a man, 1 didnʹt know that touching, holding, and listening were so important to her. By recognizing these differences I began to learn a new way of relating to my wife. 1 would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily.
In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didnʹt know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult.
Excerpt from Chapter 1
page 8:
REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES
Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to ʺwant what we wantʺ and ʺfeel the way we feel.ʺ
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways‐the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again andin and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.
Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.
... to be continued
My Thoughts:
Hmmn... it's so simple! Pretty similar to what I wrote, "What Small Things Mean To Her". Yet it's not that simple, unless we know the differences between the sexes and practice what is necessary for maintaining a good relationship.
I wished I had read this book much earlier to avoid some pitfalls.
Now I wish a guy would write on "How he wants to be loved". :)
Labels: article review, communication, love, relationship
posted at 11/23/2005 12:00:00 AM |
Name: Bee
7 Comments:
I am only reading up to chpt 4 at this time... but i don't feel good about certain things written. I shall share more about it later. It's a good thought-provoking book, but I don't subscribe to everything the author said. The reverse effect can happen to a good relationship when one fully believe in that book.
Hey, Bee... you are going to make us lazy. *grin grin*
I also like the introduction. Nothing is more comforting that huggig your loved one when he/she is depressed or stressed. I will do that to the person I love.
You asked for a man’s perspective on how he wants to be loved. It was difficult for me to come up with an answer, because my approach and behavior is different from most people and my situation is different as well (I’m married).
So here goes my usual ramble …
I’ve previously stated what three criteria I wanted satisfied before I would consider someone as a girlfriend: (1) companion, (2) friend, (3) mother. Three general criteria, no specific checklist to determine if someone met those criteria or not.
You have to understand that signs of affection really mean nothing if there is no genuine affection. They may please and pleasure me, but they are a superficial illusion with no substance. I required substance to be in place first before I was willing to allow myself to indulge in intimacy. This is quite the opposite of most people who indulge in pleasurable illusion and hope that it will become reality (think of alcohol use, drug use, use of sex, being popular, etc).
The substances I require are, again, general things: respect, commitment, attention, listening, fidelity. I wanted someone who listened to what I said. I wanted someone who treated me with dignity and fairness. I wanted someone who focussed her attention on me. I wanted someone who was committed to me. I wanted someone who was faithful to me.
Respect: treating me like a person with worth. Not flattering me with empty praise. Someone who cared about me and my dreams and ambitions.
Commitment: showing me that she cares by actually following through on promises. Making an effort to uplift me. They show that they are there in the long term.
Attention: this is simply time devoted to me. I cannot stand people who partition and measure their time. When I go out with someone, I want to spend my time with that person, not have it carefully measured.
Listening: clearly you want someone who actually hears what you are saying, because they care, not because it is advantageous for them to pay attention to you.
Fidelity: this is where I significantly differ from most (all?) people. I had little interest in girls who had previous boyfriends. Sure, you can say this is the typical male desire for a virgin, but in my case, that is what I offered and that is what I expected back. For me, fidelity is a continuum, I was faithful to my wife before I knew her.
Aside from fidelity, the other characteristics I would apply to any of my friends as well. Which is why I am slow at making friends.
In my relationship with my wife, the greatest show of love for me is to be able to hold her – not for a minute or 5 minutes, but maybe quietly for half-an-hour or an hour. It is a combination of physical and time for me. It is the same for my children, I love to hold them. As for my friends, well, I use words and time.
I closely identify with the story of Jesus, Mary and Martha:
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." - Luke 10:38-42
For me the important think is to sit and listen at the feet of the relationship and enjoy it, rather than running around making preparations – because that running around, to me, shows no commitment to the relationship. This is the perspective I took in my comment to your post about “Are girls materialistic?” (which seems to have disappeared from your blog), because I felt you were taking the role of Martha, while I preferred the role of Mary.
(please don't analyze and parse my comment with great detail. My words are often imprecise because I am not always able to give form to my ideas - especially at work, where I should be focussed on other things. But, I think the general idea comes through.)
Take care.
Stuart said: you are going to make us lazy. *grin grin*
No way la... u must also do your part in sharing you views... hehe
Richard said: I’ve previously stated what three criteria I wanted satisfied before I would consider someone as a girlfriend: (1) companion, (2) friend, (3) mother. Three general criteria, no specific checklist to determine if someone met those criteria or not.
Hey, you have already constructed a 'checklist' unknowingly... hehe. Those are precisely what I want you to share actually. Thanks! I think they are very healthy and desirable characteristics to look for in a mate, except one...
Richard said: I had little interest in girls who had previous boyfriends. Sure, you can say this is the typical male desire for a virgin, but in my case, that is what I offered and that is what I expected back. For me, fidelity is a continuum, I was faithful to my wife before I knew her.
God loves us while we were still sinners, not when we are good. So to me, we shouldn't be affected by a person's past relationships if there is real love. If not, those who have had a past relationship would be doomed in finding a mate isn't it? I believe the present and the future is more important than the past, as long as this person is not returning to the past. Furthermore, love is not about being 'fair' or 'an eye for eye'... we can't expect the other person to love us with the same amount of love. When we love, we forgive and just love unconditionally as what I expressed in my poem Love me for me
Again, thanks for sharing you thoughts, Richard. :)
Bee commented: "So to me, we shouldn't be affected by a person's past relationships if there is real love."
Correct, I said I had little interest, not no interest. However, given my strict views on fidelity I would require more "evidence" of commitment.
Oddly enough, I would have been more forgiving of someone who had been previously genuinely in love, rather than someone who just had a bf for fun. But, for me, it is now a moot issue.
I have principles I live by, but no hard and fast rules. I evaluate each circumstance and act accordingly with what I hope is the true spirit of Truth.
Take care.
Not planning to comment on this horrendous book. Instead, gonna share a link with you GENDER DIFFERENCES ARE A LAUGHING MATTER, STANFORD BRAIN STUDY SHOWS.
Hi Adam, thanks for the link.
I guess the book tries to figure out the emotional effects of men and women while the study tries to figure out the causes of these emotional effects.
Well, I think theory tries to explain practice while practice tries to make a theory. Ultimately, the most important thing is how we react with or without these knowledge. Are we happy? Do we know how to live a better life? Can we have a better relationship with others?
Cheers!
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