Answers to Tough Questions on Relationship

As I was doing my devotion tonight, I came across 2 good articles that answer tough questions on relationship. Below are excerpts of the articles...


How do you handle being rebuffed when you make your best attempts at reconciling a broken relationship?
- by Tim Jackson

One of the most frightening truths that we all must face is the fact that we cannot force someone to love us, no matter what we do. Even if we take appropriate responsibility for harm we've done to them, confess our sin against them, and ask for forgiveness, there is no assurance they will respond in kind. They can choose to remain distant.

While an unresolved relationship is deeply disturbing, one of the most freeing truths is that no one has the power to stop us from loving them. And that's all that God calls us to do, to love others the way He has loved us (John 13:34;15:12).

We all wish there was a "next step" that would make reconciliation work out every time. Sadly, there is no such step. However, at those times when our best efforts at loving are rebuffed, we do have the opportunity to share in our Lord's sufferings, to experience His pain and His relentless longing for reconciliation (Philippians 1:29).

We need to guard against a false guilt that assumes we should be able to do something to "fix" every relationship -- as if it all depends on us alone. While we must take responsibility for our part in a relationship, we must not assume that we are solely responsible for the breach in the relationship. Instead of holding another person responsible for their choices, we can tend to let people off the hook and blame ourselves for "not doing enough" or "missing something" that would be the key to unlocking the relationship.

That kind of thinking is not only demoralizing but controlling and unbiblical. God never asks us to assume responsibility for others, only ourselves. That needs to be our focus.

My Thoughts:
Ah, I also have the tendency to blame myself for all failures in relationship and ended up condemning myself. I need to remember that not all love begets love. In times like these, I begin to understand the pains God feels when His love is being rejected by men.

The above article reminds me of what I can and cannot do. Yes, I do not have the power to make someone love me, but I have the power to love someone.

How should I deal with the impact of rejection in my life?
- by Allison Stevens

When we feel the blow of major rejection -- like the unfaithfulness of a mate, the wound of a family member, or the betrayal of a close friend -- we may wonder if we will ever find someone who will love us again.

In an emotional trauma, we try to make sense of our pain. There's a constant drive to understand and explain why this agony is happening. During this time we can be tempted to respond to rejection in unhealthy ways. We can develop a contempt for ourselves, a contempt for others, a contempt for God, or a combination of all three.

In self-contempt, we take the full responsibility for the failure of the relationship. We wonder, What is it about me that causes people to leave me? We doubt our value as a person, and everything about us is called into question. Doubts of our ability to maintain a loving relationship trouble us. We think, They must have seen something so repulsive in me that no one can love me. Facing the rejection of a spouse, for example, can be especially difficult when you see other couples staying together through devastating experiences. We wonder why our own relationship could not stand the test of trials.

What sounds good about contempt is that it does not require facing additional pain. It avoids grieving losses. It sedates the heart and it keeps others from getting too close. That sounds inviting to a hurting person, but if we nurture contempt, it will lead to depression, loneliness, and bitterness.

We are desperately afraid, because to love again we must risk being vulnerable and admit that we do care, no matter how hard we try to numb our hearts. When we are at the end of our rope and we begin to realize that contempt no longer works for us, we can choose a better way of dealing with life. Letting others get close to us and learning to trust again leads us through the process of grief. For a person who has been hurt, grieving may sound like a sadistic choice. But grief will lead us down the path to restoring our faith, embracing hope, and opening ourselves up to love.

Grieving is important because it provokes us to cry out to God, and thereby to open ourselves to His healing ( Psalm 34:17 ). He is ultimately the One who can give us comfort and protection ( Psalm 61:3; Matthew 5:4 ). When we grieve, we face the truth that we have been deeply hurt and there is something lacking. There is a hole in our hearts that hurts terribly.

It may not feel like it at first, but healing begins when we face the sadness and disappointment of the loss of our hopes and dreams. We tend to avoid our feelings (i.e. deep sadness) because we are afraid that they will consume us, that we will never find comfort. But if we act in faith and "throw ourselves" on the Lord in dependence and cry out to Him, He will be the rock that saves us from the overwhelming waves of pain ( Psalm 34:18 ). God's comfort gives us hope -- hope for a brighter future and for love again. Life without hope is not worth living. Scripture says that God will fill us with hope ( Romans 15:13 ). It also recognizes the vitality and necessity of hope (Psalm 119:116; 147:11 ).

When we see our faith deepen and we are reminded of how God is working in our lives, hope grows. Hope gives us the motivation to love, which is the most important element in the believer's life ( Matthew 22:37-40; 1 Corinthians 13:13 ). Love will open our hearts to hear the truth about our strengths and shortcomings ( 1 Corinthians 13:6 ). Love will soften our hearts for others, cultivate forgiveness, and help us face the beams in our own eyes before we look at the specks in the eyes of our brothers or sisters ( Matthew 7:3-5 ).

We can't fight this battle alone. We need to talk to strong Christian friends who can remind us of the truth of God's love for us. It's important to have friends who will give us freedom and support as we grapple with our doubts and fierce emotion. We may need to seek the help of a good biblical counselor during this rough time. And filling our minds with the truth of God's Word will strengthen us. Meditating on Scripture will equip us and cause our faith to grow.

My Thoughts:
I need to go through the process of grief....

Forgiveness ABCs

What Forgiveness Isn't
6 myths that may be keeping you from letting go.
by Denise George

Forgiveness ABCs

Acknowledge the hurt. When someone deliberately hurts you, don't try to diminish the pain and its effect on you. Acknowledge your suffering—and express it aloud to God. Scripture promises: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18), and "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3).

Blame the offender. If a person hurts you by mistake, she didn't mean to inflict pain, so she needs no forgiveness. But if a person intentionally hurts you, then the pain she caused was deliberate. Say aloud: "I personally blame you, (name of offender), because you hurt me on purpose." Correctly placing the blame readies you to begin the forgiveness process.

Cancel the debt. You've acknowledged the hurt and rightly blamed the offender. Now you're ready to make the willful decision to "cancel the debt" your offender owes you. Find a quiet place to be alone and ask the Lord's help in forgiving the person who hurt you. You might pray the "Lord's Prayer" (Matthew 6:9-13) and meditate on verse 12: "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." After you've prayed and while you're still alone, speak aloud your decision to forgive: "(Name of offender), I've chosen to forgive you for hurting me; I've decided to cancel the debt you owe me." You've now embarked on the process of forgiving the person who hurt you. —D.G

Feelings

Is it good or bad to be able to feel? Most would say it's good. Yet it brings along pains too.

Waves of memories came upon me but I tried to block them mentally and emotionally. I tried not to feel anything but stayed as a 'plant'. Yet I gave in a little. That's wasn't good... I was in 'trouble' again... it ruined my night. I got to go black to being a 'plant'... that's a better option I guess.

Take A Rest

Sometimes, like now, I just feel like 'running' again. I just want to take a break from my blog friends. Perhaps it's because I am feeling very tired physically, which spilled over to the emotional side of me.

After going through years of emotional poverty, I have come to a point that I try not to feel anymore for anyone romantically. I put aside my emotion even if at times it comes back. I am well 'protected' emotionally and no one can penetrate this 'wall' anymore, I guess.

Well..good for now, as I don't have the time and energy to deal with any possible emotional blue. I will stay put here and take a rest, and focus my life on what is of eternal values.

Relaxation Today

Had a good night rest last night... slept for about 9 hour.

During the Church Service this morning, I received some refreshing quotations from the speaker:

"He is no fool, to give up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose."
- Jim Elliot

"God wants you to do the unusual, then He will do the extraordinary."
- Tommy Barnett

"If you are willing to do the ridiculous... I will do the impossible."
- God

*The secret of a successful and happy life is giving yourself totally to God."
- Tommy Barnett

Spent some time shopping in the afternoon after Church Service. Bought 2 pairs of shoes, then went to cut my hair. Hmn... it's shorter now, feeling cooler and lighter too.

That was my first relaxation treat for myself after a long while. :)

Letting Go

As I was talking to a friend, the subject of "letting go" came into our conversation again. It's been a very common struggle for most people. Some went on into another new relationship w/o fully resolved the old hurts (just like my friend) and got themselves into another heartache pretty soon.

Personally, I have learned to let go of my past hurts to God and receive healing from Him. I am able to talk to people who have hurt me without feeling uncomfortable or feeling any resentment. I have forgiven them totally with the grace of God. They are still my friends... and some are closer then the rest, depending on the other person's ability to do likewise.

The memories of the past never fade totally but my feeling towards them has changed... for I have let go and let God take over... I could love again if I want to.... without the old baggage...

Letting Go (From Daily Encounter)

"Forgetting those things which are behind ... I press on toward the goal" (Philippians 3:13, NIV).

The story is told of two monks who had gone on a day's journey. During the day the weather had become very nasty. On the way home that evening they had to cross a flooded fjord where a woman who needed help to get to the other side was waiting. Seeing her dilemma one of the monks picked her up and carried her across.

Later that evening the monk who didn't help the woman condemned the one who did saying, "You were wrong this afternoon helping that lady. You know that in our order we are to have no dealings with the opposite sex."

To which the other monk replied, "I carried her only across the stream. You are carrying her still."

When we carry hurts, grudges, resentments, guilt, grief or any unresolved issues from the past and fail to let go of them, we contaminate our present relationships with them. As another said, "Every unshed tear [and unresolved negative emotion] is a prism through which all of life's hurts are distorted."

True, we are to forget the past but we can't until we resolve it. Repressing hurts isn't forgetting them. All it does is bury them where they will take root, gather interest and come out in other damaging ways at a later time—either emotionally, relationally, physically, and/or spiritually.

We need to get all of these pains off our chest, express them in creative ways, forgive whoever has hurt us, and then let go of them. Only then can we truly forget those negative things which are behind and get on with our life free of these encumbrances.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me to resolve any and all unresolved issues from the past and let go of any hurt, anger, grief, fears, and resentment so I won't take these things out on others, and so I will be free to fully live and fully love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

Another good article to read here:

When others have harmed our lives, it is easy to adopt an attitude of blame. We need to realize that the ultimate solution must come from inside of ourselves.

Questions about Relationships

I have not been blogging here for a while but I am still blogging at my "devotion" blog daily. I guess my focus now is to seek God for His direction in my life and to put aside all thoughts related to BGR (Boy-Girl-Relationship) at this moment. I need to rediscover myself.

As I was doing my "devotion" the other day and looking for articles on "friends", I came across a website, "Questions about Relationships". I have read most of the articles there but the followings seem most interesting. You may like to read them and tell me what you think...

How can I overcome feelings of rejection?

What is true friendship according to the Bible?

How can I know if I am in love?

Are we supposed to be actively looking for a spouse?

When is the right time for marriage?

What should be the Christian view of romance?

Is there such a thing as soul mates? Does God have one specific person for you to marry?

Enjoy your reading. :)

Putting Your Past Behind

Someone sent me the link to the article below yesterday. As I read the story about the author's therapy with Samuel (his patient) I just felt like crying. For it reminded me of how I gave my hurts to Jesus the last time. It's really a very powerful way to be healed emotionally. Although I didn't go through such a therapy, but I did mentally and emotionally give my hurts and the one who hurt me to Jesus. That was how I got over things very quickly. I like the following song....


Are you tried of chasing pretty rainbows?
are you tired of spinning round and round?
wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life
and at the feet of Jesus lay them down.

Chorus:
Give them all, Give them all,
give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams, wounded hearts, broken toys
give them all, give them all,
give them all to Jesus
and he will turn your sorrow into joy

He never said you would only see sunshine
he never said there would be no rain
he only promised us a heart full of singing
that's the very thing that once brought pain.


For those who have got their past hurts haunting them and stunting their growth, making them unable to move forward, I would recommend they follow the detail instruction stated in this article. The followings are only excerpts of the therapy...


How to Take a Hurt (Bitter Root) to Jesus


Just How Does a Person "Put the Past Behind"?

"See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." (12:15).

What comprises these "bitter roots?" They consist of traumatic experiences of pain, distress, disappointment, guilt, etc. That starts the seed of bitterness growing. And without a good resolution to that trauma, once afflicted, the bitter memories and how we represent those memories in our minds-and-bodies can keep a person continually torn up with that pain as much as if the person continued to go through that experience. And so it grows like a poisonous root. And as it does it makes toxic and bitter more and more facets of the person's life.

Samuel's guilt and grief arose from a very bitter root that had long driven his behavior. Grief, guilt, bitterness, low self-esteem, co-dependency, sexual compulsions, eating disorders, etc., indicate bitter roots at work in people's lives. These pains almost always hark back to some specific event, interaction, or hurt and then continue to grow and take on a life of their own by the way we internally represent them ("as a man thinks in his heart...." so he increasingly becomes!).

Yes, a person can love Jesus and live as a devout Christian and still have bitter roots of hurt and ugliness continue to control one's emotions, states, and behaviors. For that very reason, the Hebrew writer wrote that we "see to it" that we don't miss out on the grace of God due to some poisoning, toxifying bitter root. These bitter roots, for the most part, work unconsciously within us and so often require therapeutic assistance in uncovering and resolving them.


Taking a Bitter Root to Jesus

All of our negative memories come coded in some unique mental codings of each person. Christians who have "Jesus" (their images, understandings, representations of Jesus) coded in their minds have their own unique system of making that internal representation.

1) First, take one of your fingers (or if you use this to assist someone else to make these transformations of the heart, they have them take one of their fingers) and point to where you see yourself (and/or someone else) in the painful memory or "bitter root." You will point to that memory and identify its location. Now, point with the other hand at the location of Jesus.

2) Next, only move your eyes, but not your head, so that you move the image of the hurt or the "bitter root" so that it shifts to the same location that you have of Jesus. As you do this, move your hand as you make this shift. As you move the image of the hurt into the same location of Jesus, turn the image of the hurt into the same codings that you have for Jesus. As you do, say something like this to yourself, "Now, as I give this person to Jesus, I will notice how Jesus receives that person unto Himself fully and completely. And I allow that person in my mind to begin to look just like Jesus in terms of having the same location, brightness, color, etc."


De-Briefing The Process

Several factors take place in this procedure. First, you utilize the healing power of the Holy Spirit, i.e., Jesus indwelling the Christian. Second, the truth of the Word of God, and the individual Christian's belief in that Word, become actualized as you quote pertinent passages that direct yourself or another to give the "bitter root" to Jesus. The techniques of NLP simply provide the conduits for the healing power of the Holy Spirit.

Third, you utilize not only your belief in the Lord, but also all the resources gathered from having lived a life of faith. Often I have clients share with me how the Holy Spirit will bring to their memory specific spiritual experiences or passages of scripture during this procedure.

Fourth, you cooperate with God's creative process as you work with the neurological processes of the human mind in directing yourself to change the mental codings and word meanings of the "bitter root" into the mental codings of Jesus and higher level word meanings you have about Jesus.

Fifth, by placing the content of a bitter root image into the image of Jesus/God, one is meta-stating the lower image of the hurt with the higher frame of the image of Jesus/God. The more powerful (meta-level) structure of the image of Jesus/God will modulate/change/over power the image of the hurt. A person who holds faith in the Lord Jesus cannot hold any kind of a bitter root in His presence. The Lord will win every time.

Looking Back to Go Forward

Looking Back to Go Forward (From Daily Encounter)

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13, 14, niv).

I have read that if flies are placed in a jar with air holes in the lid, they will fly frantically, banging into the lid, desperately trying to escape from their prison. If left there long enough, eventually they will stop hitting the lid. Later, if the lid is removed, they won't even try to escape.

Some of us are like the flies. Because of a traumatic or painful experience in our past we have been "conditioned" to believe that we are trapped in a prison of helplessness without escape, so we are afraid to try again for fear of failure or of being hurt again.

To overcome, we need to acknowledge where we have been hurt and, if necessary, get into a recovery program to overcome our painful memories and unresolved feelings.

As Peter said, "So get rid of your feelings of hatred." The same principle applies to all negative feelings--especially the supercharged repressed negative ones. Repressing or denying these feelings doesn't get rid of them. It only adds "interest" to them and makes matters worse. Furthermore, we can never "forget" the past until we have resolved it. Only then are we truly able to forgive any and all who have ever hurt us. Until we do this, we are still bound to and controlled by our past.

Suggested prayer:
"Dear God, please help me to resolve any hurts from the past that are affecting my life in any negative way. And help me to forgive any and all who have ever hurt me so I can put all these matters behind me, forget them, and be free to fully live and fully love and to better serve you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

My Reflection

Yes, forgetting the past and live in the present for a better future ahead.... that's what I have been doing since yesterday.

A new work project that just started yesterday would mean a new beginning for me too. For the whole of yesterday, I was away from the internet and my mind was nothing else but my work at hand. It was only when K sms me toward the end of my work that I remembered he needed my prayers and encouragement still. I hope K will also learn to trust in God and focus on what he needs to do to resolve his problems.

I was a little apprehensive about my ability to perform my new task before I reported for work yesterday. But now felt more confidence after meeting my fellow colleagues and worked with them. They are nice people too as I initiated my friendliness towards them. But most importantly, I have learned to pray on my job to ask for God's guidance and wisdom in doing and saying the right thing.

I am looking forward to another day of work, with my confidence and trust in God. :)