Busy Week

I have been very busy and tired this whole week, rushing to clear some urgent assignments.

On Mon, I started work in the morning and worked till 2 a.m., Tue because I received some new assignments at night.
On Tue, I was awaken by a call at 7.30 a.m. and I started working non stop till 12.30 a.m., Wed, almost non stop.
On Wed, I started work at 8 a.m. and worked till 1 a.m., Thu.
On Thu, I started work at 9 a.m. and worked till 12.30 a.m., Fri.
More new assignments came in today, so I still will be working very long hour on Fri.

I hope to catch up with my sleep and take a break over the weekend. But I guess I will still end up working. I am a real workaholic when it comes to work. You can't believe that when I did my shopping last week, I was thinking about my work assignments. *sigh*

Can You See The Real Me?

"I promise you now I'll try to leave my Hollywood expectations of love and leading men at the door. I'll try to remember that romantic comedy heroes have script-writers and personal trainers and directors and lighting technicians and a whole host of others who make them seemingly perfect. I pledge to try my best to let you be a human being and to be wowed by the complexity and messiness and wonder of that. I'm praying that God will help me value what's truly valuable and to see you as he does—more from the inside out. Looking for and valuing your heart above any of its packaging. I hope and pray you'll afford me the same eyes.

That said, I'll also try to leave my "best foot" at home. I'll try my best to let you see the real me. The one that will no doubt change outfits five times before selecting what to wear when we go out, that doesn't pray enough, that has too much coffee and not enough exercise, that loves quirky foreign dancing flicks and secretly fears you won't mind that I'm more indoorsy than outdoorsy. That has a large vocabulary and a small bustline, too many shoes and not enough cooking skills. This is me. The unadulterated me. The one you'd have to live with if this works out someday, so I'll try my best to let you get a glimpse in appropriate measure."

- Camerin Courtney , Dear First Date



My Reflection:

Hmmn.... I like the above excerpt, which not only candidly shows the thoughts of the writer, but also leaves some food for deep thoughts about the importance of being real right from the start. This article has some link to tonight's devotion Be True To Your Word.

Love Can Wait

"A Hallmark Card says, "I can't promise you forever, but I can promise you today." This is one of the newest love cards for the 1990s--no commitment--just warm fuzzy feelings. And then when the mood changes and the fuzzies are gone, the earlier "love" and "respect" begin to fade. Living together before marriage is not an effective way to test the compatability of potential marriage partners. Living together without marriage usually does more emotional harm than good. Total commitment is what makes a lasting and good marriage. And yet---commitment is what cohabiting couples are purposely avoiding. Couples who mate before they are mates, tend to rely on sexual intimacy to keep them together. Strong human relationships require more than that. Couples who share the same roof before the public marriage ceremony often build a shaky foundation for their life together."

- ON LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE

My Reflection

While doing my devotion Winds Of Love, the passage and the article, ON LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE, explained and reinforced my concept of love.

Love can wait, it doesn't rush; it grows slowly, not overnight; it grows stronger, not give up half way; it thinks of "you", not think of "I"; it never fails...

My Turn-Off

What is my "Turn-Off"?

When I ask you a question and your reply is....

In fact, I really hate this reply.

Unfortunately, somebody just replied me with that word yesterday. I literally turned-off. I became silent, I was angry and hurt within, especially since I had made it so clear in my last post that that word could piss me off.

Yet I don't hold my anger forever... it always go away before the sunset. But that doesn't mean I forget my lesson.

Never say "Nevermind" again...

Being Me

I am surprised by friend Stuart's comment on my post She Is Just Like Me. He really knows me very well, even though we haven't been contacting each other much for a long time. The fact is I didn't change much over the last few years, except maybe getting a bit wiser (I hope). ;)

Stuart's commented:

She looks like u too. :)

You feel very frustrated when you are being stifled and silenced. You need to be heard even if the other person may not agree with you. You get very pissed off if the other person simply say "nevermind" and refuses to reason with you. For that makes you look like a very unreasonable person, which you are not.

When you believe in something, you are very influential and people follow you. You are a natural salesperson, not by bluffing or speaking well, but by your belief and sincerity.

That's what I know about you. Let me know if I am wrong in anyway. =D

Thanks, Stuart, for your comment. Didn't know you know me so well. :) The best part is the things you mentioned are critical to BEING ME.

These things about me are things not many people can appreciate, unless they really love me and see them as values/virtues. Thus, the inability to appreciate and accept me as I am also affects the ability of me forming a close relationship with these people. But I am contented to have the few friends who do... they form my close loop of friends.


Yes, I continue to see the blogger, Eliz, a reflection of me as a teen as she talked about her leadership role in school:

Anyway, i decided that this is the course laid out for me.
I have one year to make the best of the situation.
I rmb repeatitively asking Him to mould me in sec 1 or was it sec 2?
And so, this is part of it.
Whatever it is, i'm gonna come out of this a better person and more equipped to do whatever His plan is for me.
Maybe i'm to learn abt ppl, managing ppl etc.
I, who doesn't know the future, shall simply trust in HIM, who does.
He sees what i can't.
It is wiser to trust in the wise then to try to be wise.

- Eliz, 15 April 06

Hmmn... her thinking is more matured than many who are much older than her. Many I know who are in their 30s still think like a child. Her faith in God is also strong though at times it might waver a little, but she soon gets back on the right track... just like what happened to me. :)

She Is Just Like Me

She reminds me of myself when I was a teenager. What a 15 years old Christian school girl wrote at her blog portrays so much of me even now, except mine would be....
"The End.
Dun talk to me abt this post.
Coz i will just cry." (if you are close to me)

I see the slope again.
Downhill i go.

With great power comes great responsibilty.
With great responsibilty comes great burdens.
With great burdens come great stress.

I'm not a good leader. I know it. I can tell.
It is not really my nature to be a leader.
What i simply am, is that i have my OPINIONS, and i just like to voice them out.
I need to be heard, i need to be understood.
If you differ in opinion, give me good reasons why and i'll accept ur side.
Silence me, prevent me from speaking, and all boils inside.

I can never lead ppl to what i do not believe in or understand.
I dun get the picture you paint, and thus i do not support it.
But everyone seems to, all except me.
Yet I'm to lead on in the discussion.
What's there to lead to when i'm the most lost?

I try, but you are unsatisfied.
Nothing is good enough.

Burdened, i leave late at night.
Troubled, i decided that i could not go on on my own.
I needed God's help.
On the bus, we talked and He spoke and somehow things seem like there are going to be alright again. The future looks gloomy, but in it i will still find light. I will find it.

On the phone, you burst at me. A tired me.
On the phone, you accuse me. A tired and irritated me.
On the phone, you cancelled our plans. It was fine by me.
At home, you scolded becoz of me. A down and burdened me. I didn't care.
At home, you chided me. I, who did nothing wrong but was simply not at home.
At home again, you chided me. I, who had let it go for the sake of others.

"You" is not 1 person. Each "you" represents a different person.
Salt to my wound you were.

I will laugh with you, talk shallow talks with you.
But at the moment, i'm simply running.
Running to prevent being crushed.

I'm not gonna be crushed to bits under the billion and one pressure.
I'm gonna emerge a pearl.
Soon you'll see.
Instead of a crushed nothing, I'll be a pearl.
For it was Him, who made all the difference.

The End.
Dun talk to me abt this post.
Coz i will just laugh it off .

- Eliz, 14 April 06

Mental Exercises

I am still on MC today. I still can think and talk, but can't eat well. My gum's swelling is getting bigger by the days.

Anyway, I saw the tests posted by someone at his blog and thought of doing some mental exercises so I won't feel too much pain. You may like to try them for fun too... Don't forget to tell me your results, ok? :)

Friend A is better than me in his score for the first 2 tests... he is good la.
test #1 = 136
test #2 = 124
game #3 = 249



1. The Classic IQ Test
What's Your IQ?

Congratulations, Bee!
Your IQ score is 127

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results.


2. International High IQ Society Test (click image to enlarge)



This is a very tough test with timing for each question. Oh, I can't join the International High IQ Society, but it's ok. At least I am not that stupid. :P I fair badly for the general knowledge section I guess. You must be an all rounder of everything to score well.


3. Trivia Challenge (click image to enlarge)



This is a fun game. :D

My Gum Surgery

Ouch! My gum is painful! :(

My first molar crowning job was finally completed last week, costing me in total about S$1.9K. Now come my second molar crowning job, which requires me to go for a gum surgery prior to that, not because I have a gum disease, but to lower my gum next to the tooth for effective crowning. Hmn...

Well, I went for my gum surgery this morning. Before the surgery, the periodontist (gum surgeon) explained the risks and complications to me before I sign the consent form. Some of them are quite scary, including death. At the thought of death, I paused for a while. Then I just told the periodontist that I don't mind going to heaven earlier. :)

Though I didn't feel any pain during the surgery, I could feel the snipping of my flesh and the grinding of my gum bone. So while lying on the dental chair, many things ran through my mind... many "what if". Then I started to pray, not only for the surgery, but also for people whom I need to pray for. That kept me relaxed and peaceful. The dental nurse and the periodontist were quite professional and assuring too. They constantly talked to me to check that I was ok.

The surgery is over now, but the post surgery suffering seems worse than I thought. I thought I could just go back to office after that, but I ended having to take 3 days MC. I still feel the pain after taking the painkillers. My post surgery advice is similar to "After Flap Surgery". My gum will take about a month to heal before I can go for my crowning.

If you were the one praying for me during my surgery I want to say, "Thank You Very Much. God Bless You."

Finding the Strength to Go On

I have been very busy lately and always feeling very tired at the end of the day after my work. But I must say I enjoy the work I am doing now, which gives me lots of opportunities to catch up with old friends, ex-colleagues, ex-coursemates, and even strangers from all walks of life. It's a great change from my previous jobs and I like the challenge.

Being so tired really leaves me no time to think too much about myself or miss anyone like I used to. Other than thinking of God during my devotion time, I only thought of my work (someone calls that workaholic). But I still pray daily for those who are close to my heart and those whom I promised to pray for before I sleep and just before I get out of bed the next day.

I generally feel great. Yet last night I just suddenly felt like crying... I felt something missing.

Two days ago, I was sharing with a friend about the the Book of Lamentations (in the Bible), and today's Sunday Service message was about it too... how timely! The message title was, "Finding the Strength to Go On". It's a good message based on the principles found in Lamentations. In this book the prophet, Jeremiah, expressed all his emotions in his time of crisis (Lam 3:47-49).

Emotions are given by God and there is nothing wrong with having them. But how we handle them is important. What should we do in time of crisis, when we are emotionally in distress, feeling hopeless or hurtful?

1. We should focus on God, not on ourselves or the problems (Lam 3:28-29).

2. Ask God to remove our fear (Lam 3:55-57):

• The antidote to fear is truth, perfect love, and faith. They are all found in God.

3. Believe God will restore us (Lam 5:21):

• don't repress our grief... pour it onto God
• dont't resign from life... stay positive
• don't retreat into resentment... forgive
• accept what we can't change... let it go
• focus on what's left... not on what's lost
• list our gratitudes... things to thank for

4.Remember what never change:

• God is in control... we can only control our responses (Lam 5:17-19)
• God still loves us... He will never stop loving though people do (Lam 3:22-23)
• God is all we need... He works all things together for our good
  

Finding A Mate

A friend asked me a survey question yesterday that caused me to be very upset with his response to my response...

Friend: "if you choose a guy, you prob choose a stable guy... like maybe in financial aspect... in your own point of view, what is financially stable for a guy....how u define? how much do you think the guy must have in his bank? minimum sum

Me: if i love that person... then finance is something i believe both shd work it out la... i don choose a person based on finance at all... if i want to b tai tai.. i wd have done so long ago la

Friend: you will never answer my question

Me: i cant ans.. cos it's not in my reference for choosing a guy lor

Friend: i think you totally din get my question... how much do you think a guy should have in his bank for rainy days? considering he plans to marry the girl but not yet.

Me: hmn.... i donno how much it is to buy a 3 room flat.. i mean the cash deposit... depend on location lor

Friend: but you can digress until painting what color and all that.... sigh

Me: then i say i want min 3 rm flat.. better?

Friend: nVm

Me: ok la.. if my ans is not acceptable to u.... i have no choice.. but that's my ans lor... mayb u have encountered many gals who want lots of things.. so u don believe my ans


It's sad that some guys have the mindset that all girls are materialistic and when they come across one who isn't, they simply can't believe it. They expect the answers to be 'condo, car, credit cards, cash'. They think that "love and money have become friends and missing either one, a relationship won't work." *sigh*

Anyway, I hope this friend would change his mindset after this. (Btw, he has apologized to me and I have forgiven him.)

Then there are also guys who are perfectionist when come to choosing a mate. It's like searching for that piece of missing puzzle, like what Todd Hertz did in Not That Puzzling. Below is an excerpt of his article, you may like to read more:

My prayer times also helped me realize my psycho puzzle search was keeping me from ever being content. I was just expecting too much—from myself, from God, and from the women I dated. My standards were too high. Of course, I'm not saying we should settle for just anyone—but I wasn't being realistic. By putting so much weight on every little quality of a woman—and by looking so hard for God's signs and the specific qualities I wanted—I could always find something that signaled this wasn't the right piece of the puzzle.

I also realized emotions can't always be trusted. Of course, emotions do speak to us in great ways. Regular happiness, secure comfort, or constant annoyance really do say a lot about the person creating those feelings in us. And God often speaks through how we feel. But momentary annoyance or anger or boredom isn't going to always "mean" something. Not only are emotions fleeting and unreliable, but love isn't immune from those things. My accountability partner at the time asked me, "Do you think I never get angry or annoyed with my wife? Sometimes, you'll be miserable."

What made a real difference in my mindset—and that specific dating relationship especially—was my fourth realization. While I was too busy investigating whether this was the "right" puzzle piece, I forgot that love isn't a puzzle at all. It's not a search for one perfect piece or else all is lost. Instead, it's a mixture of following God's will, finding compatibility, and—the part I forgot—choosing to commit. Dating isn't about finding what you think may be the "right" puzzle piece and then holding your breath through the vows to see if you picked right. It's about choosing well (with an eye to compatibility, chemistry, and God's guidance) and then committing to make it work. Love says, "I'm gonna stick with this even if I'm angry at you. Even if I hate you right now. Even if I'm miserable. Even if I'm bored hanging out with you. I choose to love you."

With that realization, I felt tremendous freedom. No longer was I bound by infrequent emotions or what I thought was the "right" one or not. Now, I could listen wholeheartedly to God, realistically evaluate my compatibility with my girlfriend, and work to make our relationship the puzzle piece that fits.

My Heart Will Go On - poem

Some people give up
after they have done so much;
Some people give up
even before they really start.

So should I also give up
like some people do?
Should my heart be 'dead'
when my heart feels hurting too?

No, my heart will go on
to sing that beautiful song;
A song of love and faithfulness
that lasts so long

- Bee

Marks in My Life

Starting last week, I have been busy again and also feeling very tired at the end of each day. This is good in a way as it gives me no time to think too much. Otherwise, I might be feeling 'touchy' and moody with little things here and there. :P

Yesterday, the Flickr Album at someone's blog suddenly caught my attention and I started to think about my friends... people who have left marks in my life in one way or another. There are a few more friends whose photographs aren't available at the moment. I will add them along the way to my album at my blog side bar.

Yes, I appreciate my friends a lot, even if I may not communicate with some of them that much. I want to wish them true happiness and contentment in life. May God's peace be with them always. :)

Do You Know Me?

"Are you your blog?" is an interesting question asked by Richard at his blog. It prompted me to move this blog away for awhile recently just to prove a point -- i.e. no one can know or find me if I choose not to be known, even though I post my thoughts in the internet. True enough, none has found my new blog address even after a week, including those who initially thought they could. :)

I guess most bloggers choose to use their blogs to express only certain aspects of themselves, e.g. their interests, their family, their spiritual progress, their studies, their poem, their inner thoughts, their joys/sorrows, etc. Some may choose to have multiple blogs to represent various aspects, while some just have only one blog. We could only get to know a blogger based on that aspects he/she chooses to review.

As for myself, I have many blogs and each shows one aspect of me. Therefore, a person who reads from only one of my blogs might only know that aspect of me, which may not fully represents me. Anyone who really wants to know me well will read most of my blogs, plus communicate with me in many others forms, such as emails, chats, calls, pictures exchange, etc. Only then can that person say to me "You are just like what I thought you to be." (quoted from Richard). :D

A few of my online friends got to know me very well within one month, while some will never really know me even after more than 2 years. The ball is in their hands as I am transparent with my thoughts.

To those friends who know me very well and also allowed me to know them as well, I want to say "THANK YOU" for your friendship. Though sometimes we do have some misunderstandings or disagreements, we still stay as very good friends all these while. May our friendship lasts! Most of all I hope I will see you one day in eternity, if not here. :)