Understanding Men and Women (4)

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray

Excerpt from Chapter 4
- explore how to motivate the opposite sex. Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished. men need to overcome their resistance to giving love while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it.


page 29

How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On the other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from givin too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.


page 32:

Similarly, when a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and stuck in his cave. He stops caring and doesnʹt know why he is so depressed.

At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his cave. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesnʹt know that he has stopped caring because he doesnʹt feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.

When a man doesnʹt feel he is making a positive difference in someone elseʹs life, it is hard for him to continue caring about his life and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.


page 33:

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN

Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men donʹt realize this because their Martian instincts tell them itʹs best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.

Through sharing her feelings she begins to remember that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled. Doubt and mistrust melt away. Her tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love she doesnʹt have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.


page 39:

Martians Need Love Too

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they donʹt get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, be feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today donʹt realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.


... to be continued




My Thoughts:

The above are good general description on how men and women are motivated, but the author did not take into consideration the differences in personality types and personal values system. Therefore, not all men or all women will react in the way he described.

Furthermore, the author failed to see that love is more than just feelings and emotions. Love is a choice, an act of the will, despite of our feelings. To love base on feelings is dangerous as we know that our feelings always deceive us and they fluctuate very frequently.

All things said, it might be a good idea for couple to preempt each other about how they would react during stressful periods, just in case...

Understanding Men and Women (3)

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray

Excerpt from Chapter 3
- the different ways men and women cope with stress.
While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about whatʹs bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what's bothering them.

page 21:

Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a manʹs needs for feeling good are different from a womanʹs. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships.

....Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart.



page 22:

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friendʹs assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave.

If he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.

When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.

On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking ʺcompetentʺ but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.

A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.


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FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE

When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he Will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.

However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success.


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Now Women Read to the Cove

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesnʹt know how
stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesnʹt talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesnʹt care about her because he isnʹt talking to her.

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a womanʹs feelings to always be rational and logical.


page 25:

To increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain.

At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a rightto withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.


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FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING

As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly
she is no longer so overwhelmed.

To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self.


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The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problms. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and provide her emotional support he discovers that listening is not so difficult. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesnʹt have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.


What the Martians Learned

Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venusianʹs need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In addition he learned that once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems.


page 29:

After the Martians learned how to listen they made a most amazing discovery. They began to realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of their caves in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper.


What fin Venusians Learned

The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going into his cave was not a sign that he didnʹt love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress.

When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They. learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or havefun and go shopping. When the Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the Martians would more quickly come out of their caves.


My Thoughts:

So now you know why I blog? Talk, talk, talk... even if no one hears me, I feel better after writing down my feelings on my online diary... really stress relief! :) But in actual fact, when I am stressed or sad, I don't talk... I just keep quiet or find a place to cry alone.

I wonder if guys would agree with what the author says about how men cope with stress. It can be very scary to know that a man can totally switch off his love for a person when he is stressful. You mean to say that when a man is stressed he is justifiable to unlove a person? Even if that is a man's tendency, I don't think he should allow himself to move into that state. Communication is vital.

Understanding Men and Women (2)

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray

Excerpt from Chapter 2
- explore how menʹs and womenʹs values are inherently different

page 15:

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE

Without this insight into the nature of men, itʹs very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.

To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1. A man tries to change a womanʹs feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix‐It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

2. A woman tries to change a manʹs behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home‐improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.



page 17:

IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX‐IT AND THE HOME‐IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

In pointing out these two major mistakes I do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix‐It or the home‐improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.

A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix‐It, as long as he doesnʹt come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

A man greatly appreciates the home‐improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism especially if he has made a mistake, make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partnerʹs sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approch. Letʹs explore this in greater detail.


page 21:

If you are a woman, I suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.

If you are a man, I suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.


... to be continued

Understanding Men and Women (1)

Someone sent me the ebook, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray, about 3 weeks ago. I didn't have the time to read it as it consists of 191 pages and there wasn't any urgency for me to read it then.

However, the recent article I read and the comments on my post, "When Romantic Feeling Is Gone", makes me want to read this well-known book.

You may want to have a quick run through of the book by reading the critique or reviews on the book by:
Dr. Gavin McGrath,
Dr. Ray Bohlin and Sue Bohlin,
The Self-Help Classics.

I shall post excerpts from one chapter a day (13 Chapters), which I find thought-provoking, in parts as I read the ebook. I also hope my friends and readers can comment and share their practical experiences so we can validate what's written. Let's learn the art of understanding each together, ok? :)

Now I begin...


Excerpt from Introduction
page 3:

She said, ʺJohn Gray, youʹre a fair‐weather friend! As long as Iʹm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as Iʹm not, you walk right out that door.ʺ

Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, ʺRight now Iʹm in pain. 1 have nothing to give, this is when 1 need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You donʹt have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please donʹt go.ʺ

I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.

At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love, unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair‐weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.
That day, for the fast time, I didnʹt leave her. 1 stayed, and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support her when 1 was shown the way.

How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would have instinctively known what Bonnie needed. But as a man, 1 didnʹt know that touching, holding, and listening were so important to her. By recognizing these differences I began to learn a new way of relating to my wife. 1 would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily.

In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didnʹt know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult.



Excerpt from Chapter 1
page 8:

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES

Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to ʺwant what we wantʺ and ʺfeel the way we feel.ʺ

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways‐the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again andin and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.

Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.


... to be continued



My Thoughts:

Hmmn... it's so simple! Pretty similar to what I wrote, "What Small Things Mean To Her". Yet it's not that simple, unless we know the differences between the sexes and practice what is necessary for maintaining a good relationship.

I wished I had read this book much earlier to avoid some pitfalls.

Now I wish a guy would write on "How he wants to be loved". :)

When Romantic Feeling Is Gone

Has it ever happened to you that someone who loves you very much suddenly says he/she doesn't have anymore feeling for you? What would you do then?

I came across the following insightful article yesterday. Although it's more for married couples, I think they are useful for those who are in a relationship, or is wondering why their past relationships failed.

I shall share my thoughts on the author's replies and I hope to hear your views too...


The Love Doctor
Feeling unloved? Author and counselor Gary Chapman reveals a simple prescription that works wonders.
by Ron R. Lee


1. People generally get married because they can't bear the thought of not spending the rest of their lives together. If couples start out with so much passion, why does loving each other become such a challenge later on?
Part of it is that when these strong emotions begin to die down, couples mistakenly think they don't love each other as much as they used to. They confuse emotions with love.

Bee:
Ah, that's an enlightenment, isn't it? Has the person we first grown to love changed for the worse? If not, the REASONS for that initial strong emotion remain, though the feeling might be lost.


2. But isn't love a pretty emotional thing?
Sure, but love isn't dependent on emotions. Love is what you do and say, not what you feel.

Bee:
Hmmn... love is more than a feeling ya. So if your actions show that you care for a person, there is love even though sometimes the feeling is not there right?


3. Still, you have a problem if you no longer feel the same amount of love you used to. So what do you recommend?
We all need to do a better job of communicating love, which is a challenge since people usually marry their opposite. I've spoken to large groups of couples all around the country, and I've counseled hundreds of others. And in all the couples I've talked to, I have seldom run across a husband and wife who used and understood the same language of love.

Bee:
Erm... I don't quite get this part. Does it mean that if I have lost that romantic feeling for a person, I should continue doing things that will make that person KNOW I still love him... then my own romantic feeling will return later?


4. What makes people so different in the way they express love?
I don't know if it's something we learn in childhood or a trait we're born with. But we all have a primary love language that shows up early in life. By the time your kids are five or six, you can begin to see how they express love. If your son is coming up and saying, "Oh, Mommy, let's sit down and read," then he's asking for quality time. Or if your daughter is always hugging you, her language is physical touch. It really doesn't matter how or when we develop a love language, the important thing is to identify what works for those you love, and then to start doing it.

Bee:
Good point. I guess this is why some gals do "so much" for the guys they loved, yet those guys could not appreciate them. I guess the gals have not "identify what works for those they love" and they just do what they themselves prefer to receive rather than what the guys prefer.


5. Why aren't more of us doing what works?
Most people express love in the way that comes most naturally to them, and we assume our mate recognizes those actions as expressions of love. But if our mate speaks a different language, most of the things we're doing just won't communicate. You end up with both spouses expressing love and wondering why the other one doesn't acknowledge it. At the same time, they're both wondering why their mate isn't doing any loving things for them.

Bee:
That's true, especially men and women have different make up. The things women like men to do for them to be considered love might not be what men like the women do... e.g. to the gal, receiving one love letter a day from a guy might be love, but if she do the same thing to him, it might not be interpreted as love.


6. What are the languages of love?
Based on case studies of the couples I have counseled over the years, certain themes are repeated. And those themes indicate that people give and receive love in five different ways: sharing quality time; physical touch; expressing words of affirmation; giving and receiving gifts; and performing acts of service.

Bee:
Very true. :)


7. Can you give an example of each of these languages?
Let's start with words of affirmation. It simply means making statements—either spoken or written—that show you value your spouse. Statements such as "You look nice today." "I love you." "Thanks for taking the garbage out." These are statements that focus on something your spouse has done or something he or she is.

The second language, giving and receiving gifts, is pretty self-explanatory. You know the old saying "It's the thought that counts." But it's not the thought left in your head that counts, it's the gift that comae out of the thought. It doesn't have to be expensive; it can be anything that shows your spouse you had him or her in mind when you selected the gift.

Bee:
Good advice! "
Affirmation - simple assurance given to me can sweep away all my doubts instantly... it's very powerful for me.
Gifts - yes, simple cards or drawings given to me can mean so much.


8. What are examples of the other language?
Acts of service involve doing anything you know your spouse would like you to do. It could be cooking a meal, washing the dishes, vacuuming floors or putting gas in the car.

The fourth language is quality time, which means giving your spouse your undivided attention. It could be sitting on the couch together, talking; going out to eat together; or taking a walk.

The last one, physical touch, includes things like hugs, backrubs, holding hands and kissing. Some men jump to the conslusion that their love language is physical touch because they have such a strong sex drive. But I'm referring to nonsexual touch, like resting your hand on your spouse's leg while you're driving.

Bee:
True.
Quality time - time=life, giving part of one's time is giving part of one's life... it's love
Physical touch - some men insist that if a gal doesn't have sex with him, then she doesn't love him... quite lame right?


9. If a lot of guys wrongly assume their language is physical touch, does that mean it's not all that easy to identify your own love language?
If you give it some thought, you can pin it down. First, ask yourself how you tend to express love. You may do all five from time to time. But if you think about it, you'll find one that is predominant.

The second clue is to ask yourself, "What do I gripe about the most?" If you tend to complain "We don't ever spend any time together," then your love language probably is quality time.

The third question is: "What do I request most frequently from my husband or wife?" If you often say, "Honey, remember to bring me something back from your business trip," you like to receive gifts. Put these three clues together and you'll determing your love language.

Bee:
Wow! Never know that. Although all the 5 languages of love are important to me, but I think the one that is "predominant" for me would be "words of affirmation" followed by "quality time". :)


10. Now to the hard part. How can we identify our spouses' love language?
You use the three-step process. You ask, "How does my spouse express love to me most often?" Then, "What does my spouse request from me the most?" And finally, "What does my spouse complain about?" The answers will tell you your mate's language.

Bee:
Good questions... never thought of them before. :)


11. If both spouses have been feeling unloved, how does your approach help them get back on track?
It depends on why they are feeling distant. If there has been infidelity, physical abuse, alcoholism or drug abuse, you need to do a lot more than just learn a new way to express love. Those problems call for professional counseling. But if your problems are less serious, learning to speak your mate's language will create a climate that makes it easier to work on other issues. Expressing love is not the whole solution, but it's a critical part of any solution.

Bee:
Hmmn... it seems to mean that you do it until the feelings come back? Ah... something like what Tommy shared recently from what he read, that if Christians "pretend to be Christ" they will gradually become more and more Christ-like... like a self-fulfilled prophecy.


12. If you've been feeling unloved, what would motivate you to learn a 'foreign language' just so you can love someone you felt isn't bothering to love you?
Motivation is important, but I never said this was easy. People have all kinds of reasons for not wanting to do this. They say "it's just not me." But there are a lot of things we don't like to do; and there are plenty of things that don't come naturally. But we learn to do them anyway.

One man told me he had been married 17 years and had never know how to show his wife he loved her. Then he realized her language was receiving gifts. But he didn't have the foggiest idea how to buy the right gifts. So he asked his sister to help him pick out some things for his wife. This guy realized he needed to learn a new behavior, so he went out and found the help he needed.

Bee:
I see... so love is an act that sometimes go against our natural tendency ya... love conquers all!


13. What do you suggest for people who have trouble putting their feelings into words?
When people tell me, "I didn't grow up in a home where we did that sort of thing. I'm just not a verbal person," I often respond, "So what?" I know it's difficult, but you can learn to do it. Whenever you hear someone pay a compliment, for example, write it down. Or as you read books or magazie articles, pick out expressions of love and start making a list. Then stand in front of a mirror and read your list out loud. After a while, it will begin to feel more comforable.

Then, of course, you start saying these things to your wife or husband. Once you do it a few times it becomes much easier.

I can hear people saying, "Gary Chapman is one to talk. He's a marriage expert. This stuff comes easily to him!"
The truth is, some of these things don't come easily for me. My wife, Karolyn, and I had terrible struggles the first few years of our marriage. It's terrible to be married for three or four years and lose all your feelings of love for one another.

Bee:
Oh I like that! Practise what is not natural until it becomes part of you. :) I guess this advice is very useful as any loving married couples can also lose their romantic feelings along the way.


14. How did you rekindle your love?
I started studying the life of Jesus, and I saw how much of a servant he was to his followers. That's when the concept of a husband being a servant/leader began to dawn on me. I could see that when I failed to help Karolyn around the house, the climate wasn't very good at home. But whenever I did some little thing to help her, it made a positive impression. I didn't have all the theories worked out back then, but I realized my wife's love language was acts of service. After months of feeling totally unloved, she finally sensed that I did love her after all.

I'll be honest. I don't like running the vacuum. My mother made me do it when I was a boy, and I never have liked it. But I vacuum the floors about once a week now, and there's only one reason why: I love Karolyn and I want her to know it. Every time I vacuum the floor, my wife realizes, "He cares. He's helping me."

Bee:
Oh I want to cry... if I am "Karolyn", I will KNOW too. It's so important to have a model in how we should live. In this case, the model is Jesus... God is love!


15. Vacuuming the floors is one thing, but what if your mate's language is meaningful time? In order for you to deliver on that one, you're going to have to give something up.
You've hit on a key truth about love: It's costly. But if you're not willing to give something up, you're saying the things that currently take up your time are more important than your marriage. It's a matter of seeing marriage as a priority, and then deciding what you can give up. Actually, we make those decisions all the time. If we want to go to a ballgame, we give up the other things we could be doing with that time.

Bee:
True, loving someone is always "costly".... giving up part of ourselves for the good of "us", not just "me" or "you". Prioritizing and time management is so important in a relationship.


16. This stuff can feel pretty overwhelming. Is it okay to start off with something easy and then gradually work up to the bigger stuff?
Sure. Even a small step will begin to change the emotional climate of a relationship. I encourage couples to start with a specific assignment that is relatively easy: Each spouse determines one way he or she can express love during the coming week. Let's say a woman's language is acts of service. She could ask her husband: "How about taking out the garbage without being reminded?" He'd say, "Okay. How often would you like me to do it?" And she'd say, "How about every two days?" He would then set that as his goal for the week.

He starts taking out the garbage, and every time his wife sees the emptied waste basket she feels a little tingle inside. "Hey, he's really taking this seriously." She begins to feel better immediately.

Bee:
So practical!


17. What does she do for her husband?
Let's say his language is physical touch, and she's just not very expressive in that way. He would ask her to do something nonthreatening. "How about when you enter or leave a room, you touch me on the shoulder as you walk by?" And she'd say, "I can do that." As the week goes by, every time she touches his shoulder, inside he feels, "She's really trying. This is wonderful." He begins to have positive feelings toward her after months of emotional distance.

Bee:
This is so cute! :P Good suggestion.


18. Does this approach always produce such positive results?
Usually, but not always. I can't guarantee that if you love your spouse, that he or she will reciprocate. But I can tell you that emotional love is a desperate need for all of us. So if you'll speak your mate's primary language over the long haul, there's a high probability he or she will respond.

Most people want an intimate relationship. They want to have a sense that, as a couple, they are one. They just don't know how to get it. That's why I spend so much time helping people learn their mate's love language. It's one way you can both get what you need in marriage.

Bee:
True, like what Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says:

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.