Understanding Men and Women (3)

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray

Excerpt from Chapter 3
- the different ways men and women cope with stress.
While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about whatʹs bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what's bothering them.

page 21:

Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a manʹs needs for feeling good are different from a womanʹs. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships.

....Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart.



page 22:

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friendʹs assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave.

If he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.

When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.

On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking ʺcompetentʺ but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.

A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.


page 23:

FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE

When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he Will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.

However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success.


page 24:

Now Women Read to the Cove

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesnʹt know how
stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesnʹt talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesnʹt care about her because he isnʹt talking to her.

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a womanʹs feelings to always be rational and logical.


page 25:

To increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain.

At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a rightto withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.


page 26:

FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING

As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly
she is no longer so overwhelmed.

To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self.


page 28:

The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problms. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and provide her emotional support he discovers that listening is not so difficult. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesnʹt have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.


What the Martians Learned

Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venusianʹs need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In addition he learned that once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems.


page 29:

After the Martians learned how to listen they made a most amazing discovery. They began to realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of their caves in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper.


What fin Venusians Learned

The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going into his cave was not a sign that he didnʹt love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress.

When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They. learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or havefun and go shopping. When the Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the Martians would more quickly come out of their caves.


My Thoughts:

So now you know why I blog? Talk, talk, talk... even if no one hears me, I feel better after writing down my feelings on my online diary... really stress relief! :) But in actual fact, when I am stressed or sad, I don't talk... I just keep quiet or find a place to cry alone.

I wonder if guys would agree with what the author says about how men cope with stress. It can be very scary to know that a man can totally switch off his love for a person when he is stressful. You mean to say that when a man is stressed he is justifiable to unlove a person? Even if that is a man's tendency, I don't think he should allow himself to move into that state. Communication is vital.