Understanding Men and Women (4)

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray

Excerpt from Chapter 4
- explore how to motivate the opposite sex. Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished. men need to overcome their resistance to giving love while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it.


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How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and less energized; with each passing day he has less to give the relationship. On the other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

Like the Venusians, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhausted from givin too much. On the other hand when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.


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Similarly, when a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and stuck in his cave. He stops caring and doesnʹt know why he is so depressed.

At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his cave. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesnʹt know that he has stopped caring because he doesnʹt feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.

When a man doesnʹt feel he is making a positive difference in someone elseʹs life, it is hard for him to continue caring about his life and relationships. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed. To become motivated again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.


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WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN

Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men donʹt realize this because their Martian instincts tell them itʹs best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.

Through sharing her feelings she begins to remember that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled. Doubt and mistrust melt away. Her tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love she doesnʹt have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.


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Martians Need Love Too

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they donʹt get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, be feels like a failure. Her unhappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today donʹt realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.


... to be continued




My Thoughts:

The above are good general description on how men and women are motivated, but the author did not take into consideration the differences in personality types and personal values system. Therefore, not all men or all women will react in the way he described.

Furthermore, the author failed to see that love is more than just feelings and emotions. Love is a choice, an act of the will, despite of our feelings. To love base on feelings is dangerous as we know that our feelings always deceive us and they fluctuate very frequently.

All things said, it might be a good idea for couple to preempt each other about how they would react during stressful periods, just in case...