Finding A Mate

A friend asked me a survey question yesterday that caused me to be very upset with his response to my response...

Friend: "if you choose a guy, you prob choose a stable guy... like maybe in financial aspect... in your own point of view, what is financially stable for a guy....how u define? how much do you think the guy must have in his bank? minimum sum

Me: if i love that person... then finance is something i believe both shd work it out la... i don choose a person based on finance at all... if i want to b tai tai.. i wd have done so long ago la

Friend: you will never answer my question

Me: i cant ans.. cos it's not in my reference for choosing a guy lor

Friend: i think you totally din get my question... how much do you think a guy should have in his bank for rainy days? considering he plans to marry the girl but not yet.

Me: hmn.... i donno how much it is to buy a 3 room flat.. i mean the cash deposit... depend on location lor

Friend: but you can digress until painting what color and all that.... sigh

Me: then i say i want min 3 rm flat.. better?

Friend: nVm

Me: ok la.. if my ans is not acceptable to u.... i have no choice.. but that's my ans lor... mayb u have encountered many gals who want lots of things.. so u don believe my ans


It's sad that some guys have the mindset that all girls are materialistic and when they come across one who isn't, they simply can't believe it. They expect the answers to be 'condo, car, credit cards, cash'. They think that "love and money have become friends and missing either one, a relationship won't work." *sigh*

Anyway, I hope this friend would change his mindset after this. (Btw, he has apologized to me and I have forgiven him.)

Then there are also guys who are perfectionist when come to choosing a mate. It's like searching for that piece of missing puzzle, like what Todd Hertz did in Not That Puzzling. Below is an excerpt of his article, you may like to read more:

My prayer times also helped me realize my psycho puzzle search was keeping me from ever being content. I was just expecting too much—from myself, from God, and from the women I dated. My standards were too high. Of course, I'm not saying we should settle for just anyone—but I wasn't being realistic. By putting so much weight on every little quality of a woman—and by looking so hard for God's signs and the specific qualities I wanted—I could always find something that signaled this wasn't the right piece of the puzzle.

I also realized emotions can't always be trusted. Of course, emotions do speak to us in great ways. Regular happiness, secure comfort, or constant annoyance really do say a lot about the person creating those feelings in us. And God often speaks through how we feel. But momentary annoyance or anger or boredom isn't going to always "mean" something. Not only are emotions fleeting and unreliable, but love isn't immune from those things. My accountability partner at the time asked me, "Do you think I never get angry or annoyed with my wife? Sometimes, you'll be miserable."

What made a real difference in my mindset—and that specific dating relationship especially—was my fourth realization. While I was too busy investigating whether this was the "right" puzzle piece, I forgot that love isn't a puzzle at all. It's not a search for one perfect piece or else all is lost. Instead, it's a mixture of following God's will, finding compatibility, and—the part I forgot—choosing to commit. Dating isn't about finding what you think may be the "right" puzzle piece and then holding your breath through the vows to see if you picked right. It's about choosing well (with an eye to compatibility, chemistry, and God's guidance) and then committing to make it work. Love says, "I'm gonna stick with this even if I'm angry at you. Even if I hate you right now. Even if I'm miserable. Even if I'm bored hanging out with you. I choose to love you."

With that realization, I felt tremendous freedom. No longer was I bound by infrequent emotions or what I thought was the "right" one or not. Now, I could listen wholeheartedly to God, realistically evaluate my compatibility with my girlfriend, and work to make our relationship the puzzle piece that fits.