BGR Question
Is the gf/bf relationship a prelude to marriage or is it just another non-committal relationship?
Two of my friends have opposite views, what do the rest think?
Labels: friendship, relationship
posted at 2/26/2006 01:54:00 AM |
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Two of my friends have opposite views, what do the rest think?
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20 Comments:
It's a commited relationship. But will a gf/bf relationship always lead to marriage? Not always. Some gf/bf may find themselves not suitable for each other over time as they know each other more. So not all bf and gf relationship always end up in marriage. Will two lovers decide to marry each other once they become bf or gf? Not always, unless they are both ready to marry. So I would say bf and gf relationship is a commitment, but marriage is a much more deeper commitment. Of course in a healthy relationship both couples would want to eventually marry each other, and being commited to the relationship. But the act of marrying only comes at the next stage, when both feel they are ready. That's my take on this.
You should know (or at least suspect) that my view is that a bf / gf relationship is a prelude to marriage.
Afterall, if your intent is not marriage, then why bother? You invest emotional time and energy. You invest part of yourself that you can never get back. This does not mean that all relationships will work out, but I think we should be judicious in our choices.
I'd like to expand a little further. In my mind, I always believed in being faithful to my wife - even if I didn't know who she was.
Fidelity was my driving force. I would never do anything to dishonour my relationship with my wife.
Conversion could be a useful analogy. Someone hears about the promise of God of eternal life, but the obligations of being a Christian are too onerous. After all, why shouldn't (s)he enjoy life to its fullest? Why shuld (s)he be denied life's pleasures because some are sinful? So a decision is made, "I will enjoy life my way, but at life's departure, I shall convert and embrace God's word with fullness."
Isn't this rather like those who say, "I will be faithul once I marry, but until then, I will enjoy myself."
For me, fidelity is like God: was, is, and always shall be.
I was faithful, I am faithful, I always shall be faithful.
My two (Canadian) cents (about 2.8 Singapore cents)
Soulgiver say "Will two lovers decide to marry each other once they become bf or gf? Not always, unless they are both ready to marry."
Richard, you did a GOOD FIGHT BACK! "Afterall, if your intent is not marriage, then why bother?"
It's true not all relationships work out, but we shouldn't leave out the fact that bf / gf relationship IS a prelude to marriage. Because, failure is NOT planned.
If you think gf/bf relationship does NOT always lead to marriage, then it never will. You failed because you anticipated it.
I think there's an misunderstanding somewhere. When I say a gf and bf relationship doesn't always lead to marriage, I am stating the fact. if i were to get involved in a relationship, dats because I want to be with the person I love and I will want to marry her, simple as that. All I am saying is being gf and bf doesn't mean you definitely will get married in the end, that's a fact. Tell me, how many relationships do one usually have to go trough before finding the suitable person to marry eventually? That's not an intention but an observation. Frankly, I wish it was that easy too, the first person that you love is the person you marry eventually, it sure saves a lot of heartaches.
Soulgiver, can u choose your answer to avoid misunderstanding?
Question is : (1)Is the gf/bf relationship a prelude to marriage OR (2)is it just another non-committal relationship? (1) or (2)?
Soulgiver said "Tell me, how many relationships do one usually have to go trough before finding the suitable person to marry eventually?"
We all knew that, that's why we stated arguements prior to our stand:
Richard wrote "This does not mean that all relationships will work out, but I think we should be judicious in our choices."
Dolphin wrote "It's true not all relationships work out, but we shouldn't leave out the fact that bf / gf relationship IS a prelude to marriage. Because, failure is NOT planned."
You commented (MSN) "IS" a prelude to marraige is not a good word as we can never be 100 percent sure that a bf and gf relationship WILL lead to marriage.
So, what better word can you replace "IS"?
Lets try. (Since "IS" as a "definite" word is not suitable)
Original Answer: gf/bf relationship IS a prelude to marriage.
gf/bf relationship maybe a prelude to marriage.
gf/bf relationship possibly a prelude to marriage.
gf/bf relationship suggest a prelude to marriage.
gf/bf relationship probably a prelude to marriage.
gf/bf relationship perhaps a prelude to marriage.
gf/bf relationship likely a prelude to marriage.
and so on... (Sorry I'm just bored!)
In a nutshell:
Do you think "I probably marry U" OR "I will marry U" sounds better?
Hmm, sorry, never intended for this to cause confusion or anything. Anyway, jsut to make things clear, going into a relationship with the intention of marrying is the right thing to do. I am for that. Period. Ok hope this clears things up.
Dear all, thanks for your enthusiastic comments and sharing of viewpoints. Let's take this as a healthy discussion and agree to disagree even if we don't see eye to eye at the end of this 'debate' ok? ;)
I tend to agree with Richard and dolphin's viewpoints. Sorry Soulgiver, I hope you won't view it as we are 'attacking' you. It's just different viewpoints for you to consider and maybe 'change' if you find us reasonable. :)
Now let me share my thoughts on Soulgiver's Comments as followed:
"Some gf/bf may find themselves not suitable for each other over time as they know each other more. So not all bf and gf relationship always end up in marriage."
Wouldn't this statement be the same as saying "Some FRIENDS may find themselves not suitable for each other over time as they know each other more. So not all FRIENDSHIP always end up in becoming bf/gf relationship (or 'close friend' or 'best friend')."?
In another word, why bother to make someone your gf till you are sure that she is the one you want to marry? If you have doubt, then just stay as 'close friend' or 'best friend' (not as gf) so as to give yourself and her the freedom to mix around with other potential mates. But the moment you decide that she is your gf, you should stay committed and faithful to her, and no more looking around. :)
I like what Richard said, "You invest emotional time and energy. You invest part of yourself that you can never get back." even for a bf/gf relationship. However, if to you a gf is just for you to spend time with when you are bored or to help you out when you have problems, then you might not have invested much time and effort on her, you are just receiving from her, then you could afford to change gf like changing clothes. :P
In another word, when we say we are "committed" to a relationship (bf/gf or marriage), we stay faithful to it to make it work no matter how difficult it is. The commitment level for both (bf/gf or marriage) should be the same if you agree that "the bf/gf relationship is a prelude to marriage".
Therefore, I only want to be someone's gf after the normal friendship has developed to a stage where both are sure we want to be together for good. We then exclude all others (as potential mate) and stay committed to each other even though there won't be a "live happily ever after".
Phew!!!
My comments have been misunderstood. I don't know how else to explain, but I have already tried my best to. I already said that I believe a gf and bf relationship is one that is commited, and you as a gf or bf will try your very best to make things work and that the relationship will lead to marriage whatever it takes. But the bottomline is, is a gf and bf relationship equals marriage? Nope. If that's so, why don't you get married straight away once you become a bf and gf? Let me repeat again, being commited to a gf and bf and not looking around for anyone else is something that a gf and bf should do. And I agree totally to that.
Hmmm kind of irrelevant here.
I feel it's a little unreasonable to come out with “But the bottomline is, is a gf and bf relationship equals marriage? Nope. If that's so, why don't you get married straight away once you become a bf and gf? - Soulgiver”
It did injustice to the discussion here where PRELUDE is the keyword of the topic. Prelude and Equal has different meaning!
I have an idea!
If we put marraige as an answer, so what comes before marraige?
gf/bf relationship! Agree? (Vietnamese wife & China bride aside)
Dolphin, the fundamental issue of this question is whether the same kind of commitment to one partner is expected from a bf and gf relationship versus that of marriage. And I believe I have already addressed that issue. Yes, a bf and gf should be committed to each other whether in a marriage or a relationship. Sorry if my points cause confusion or are unclear. You see, there're cases where friends become husband and wife straight away without becoming gf and bf. Think about the times of your grandparents when marriage is pre-arranged. Anyway I think we are straying from the fundamental issues. Ok, hope this will finally clear things up as far as where my stand is.
I think you drifted further away from the question posted here:
Is the gf/bf relationship a prelude to marriage or is it just another non-committal relationship?
Anyway, there's no right or wrong. Thanks for your comments.
requested by bee for comments : - bgr... i'm conservative... it's a prelude to marriage for me. but i don really oppose to non-committal relationship... it's tat mutual understanding and respect between two person. a delicated attraction btwn a girl n a boy... like an abstracted form of surrealistic art. Whimsical n profound... not necessary both will end up together, but if this would b the case, it should b understood by both parties from the beginning... a relationship wif no assumption. Mmmm... i hope i answered ur question :)
Hey David, thanks for your comment. However, if you read my question again you will see that you have to choose between "a prelude to marriage" and "just another non-committal relationship". You can't have both, as they contradict each other. :)
Bee, that's a very interesting question. I have read the above arguements and like to share my thoughts too.
Soulgiver's replies seem to give a sense of his insecurity in the bf/gf relationship, if not being wishy-washy. Perhaps he tends to ask gals to be his g/f, based on his feelings rather than commitment to love, long before he has fully loved them to be want to make a committment? If yes, his fear is understandable.
I applaud Richard, Dophin and Bee for their responses to Soulgiver. They have hit the right spot. :)
I will not ask a lady friend to be my gf, no matter how close we are, unless I love her very much and is very sure she is the one I wish to marry. I also will tell her what it means to be my gf before I propose to her. So I agree that the gf/bf relationship is a "prelude to marriage".
The committment I will give to my future gf will be as good as I want to give my future wife. We can't give excuse that because we never know if things will workout between a gf/bf so, therefore, be less committed to the relationship. Simmilarly, no one can guarantee that a marriage can workout too, for the same reason it doesn't give us the excuse to be less committed to the marriage. If a man can't be faithful to his gf, he can never be faith to his wife-to-be too.
I am still waiting for someone to be my gf, even after all these years (as long as she is still unattached). That's love and commitment.
Just my 2 cents worth of thought. :)
Wish you all love, Bee.
Thanks for your comment, Stuart. If not for this discussion I wouldn't have known the thinking of certain people. It's a real eye-opener for me to help me make wise decisions.
You are a good model of a committed guy.... a 'da qing ren' (very romantic man) in reality. :P Wish she can accept your love one day too. :)
Take care.
I have another BGR question: What do we call a person when he goes all out to win a gal's heart and avoid her when she eventually falls for him? Is he cheating on the gal and wasting her time?
Please make your comment here: http://ramblegrumble.blogspot.com/
Bee: "You are a good model of a committed guy.... a 'da qing ren' (very romantic man) in reality. :P"
*face red* can't be helped... born on Vday.
Bee: "Wish she can accept your love one day too. :)"
Thanks! Does that mean I still have hope? =)
Erm.. hmmn... =P
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