My 2006

Time passes extremely fast this year and tomorrow will be another new year. As I read my post, My 2005, I could see some similarities to my life in 2006.

For me, 2005 is the worst year in my life as an adult... I lost many things dear to me...
my career
my study
my loved ones
my self-esteem
my confidence

In 2006,
I have a good career... I enjoyed my work though I have to work very long hours and had discouragements at times;
I discontinued my doctorate study... see no purpose to add another degree to my Masters;
I lost my mum... but it's a blessing in disguise;
I found love... but lost it again, feeling I am a terrible person.

In 2006, I also have the most memorable or the most embarrassing moment of my life... I broke my own record of not meeting my online friends. I finally met my online best friend... or I must say that I had been 'ambushed' and got 'hijacked' when I was shopping in KL about 2 weeks ago. I wished I could dig a hole and bury my head in it then and I felt so retarded. *blushing*

It took me one whole day and night to get over it. I told myself that's going to be the first and last time I'll be caught by surprise. I actually felt so sorry for my reaction, which must be quite shocking to my best friend. However, we had a good laugh and a good time together.

So is my 2006 any better than the one before? Maybe slightly. For that I should be grateful to God and be thankful.


So now what about my 2007? What do I hope to achieve?

Erm... I still hope God will bring me 'home' soon in a peaceful way. If not, I pray that God will use me to make someone's life more meaningful. Only then will I find the reason for me to live.

Love Never Fails

Hmmn.... I have not been blogging for a long time, unlike in the past where I used to blog daily. I discovered that blogging helped me let down my hair, to de-stress, to express myself, my thoughts and feelings. I have too much pent up feelings to release then.

However, after the passing of my mum I seemed to have nothing much to blog about. Perhaps her death has set me free from my years of anguish. Now I just bury myself in work most of the time and have no more energy or time left to look into my heart, to feel or to think too much. Is this good or bad? I hope I have not become a robot.

Many things have happened in my life the past few months... the sweet and the bitter, the high and the low. I have learned many things along the way somehow. It's like what Ecclesiastes 1 says:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

I seem to be slowly finding the word "love" just a meaningless word too... it seems to be a non-existing word in my experiences... a "chasing after the wind" (Ecclesiastes 2: 11, 17, 26).

Yes, all things seem meaningless till I go to God in my devotion and prayer. My devotion time is like a 'battery charger' that charges my flatten spirit daily. In my last night devotion in Impaired Vision I am reminded again that "Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:8-13).

I like the article I read while doing my devotion that says:

"Love that never fails goes beyond reason and refuses to settle for justice alone but insists on granting mercy."

"Love that never fails is yours to receive and yours to give."


Right, God's love that never fails is for me to receive. His love that never fails is for me to give. Yesterday, I shared God's love with a job applicant after listening to her very sad story about her broken marriage. I felt deep compassion for her. I pray that she too will receive the love of God that never fails soon.

Memories Still Stay

Eliza (15-year-old blogger) said she saw a transformation of her life now compared to her a year ago, as she read through her last year's blog entries. Her blog entries have been changed from those of herself and all her complaints to those of her reflections about God and all His blessings.

I felt inspired to read my old blogs again too. I also see a transformation in my life compared to me in 2003, the year I started blogging. Memories was my first poem. The last verse is still valid for the present:

I remember the people I met
Those who made me sad and those who made me glad
How should I feel or what shall I say
They have all played a part
In making what I am today

Yes, the people I met, especially the online ones, have played a great part in my life. I have surpassed the phase of looking for earthly love to that of staying in God's love. I no longer yearn for earthly love now, especially after my mum passed away. Perhaps her death has brought along with her my unspeakable distress, and therefore, my yearning for someone who could fully understand me too. Anyway, I have learnt that such a person never exist, even though at times he comes close to being one, yet he's like an illusion that just slips away. Only God can meet all my needs.

God is the most important person in my life now. Without Him, my life would have gone hay wired. I have learnt to make Him my first love.

Second is my work, which basically involves working with people. I like helping others improve and excel. Most importantly I hope that I will make a difference in their life, that they will come to believe in my God too.

Third would be my "best friend", who will forever be just my "best friend" and nothing more. My "best friend" is important to me because we have been through our spiritual journey together daily since last year Oct. We read the same bible passages together daily, share our daily encounters with each other whenever we have the time, and now we also pray together.

Thank God for my "best friend". I will treasure his friendship now while I can. For I know that there will come a day that someone else will replace me, in God's time. My blessing will go with him and his new "best friend" when that happens. Take care.

Spring Cleaning My Life

During the Sunday Service yesterday, the message seemed to confirm what I thought God is trying to tell me through the experiences I had after my trip...

The message was about how a Marathon Runner would train for the race. The Runner has to be very discipline and stay focus in order to reach his goal/dream. The speaker also encouraged us through the example of boarding the wrong bus. He said there will be occasions where we might board the wrong bus. So instead of just continuing with the journey in the wrong bus, we should alight and board the right bus.

Yes, my experiences since coming back from my trip have had great significance in my life too. I know that God is telling me something through them... e.g.

- the recent email I received helps to remove the pain and distraction in my life and closes a chapter (at least for now)... allows me to focus on what's more important (God)... reminds me of my purpose on earth (to love others through God's love, not mine)

- the problem with my laptop lets me see that my life can be problematic too if I don't resolve certain issues properly... it also helps me see how my life would be like without my computer

- the solving of my laptop problem reminds me that God still answers prayers... He can use my friend to help me (problem resolved without paying a cent for it)

All the above happenings are like doing a 'spring cleaning' of my life before I begin my new projects starting tomorrow (Tues). I will no longer have the luxury of my own time and will be very busy with my new work. Honestly speaking, I am apprehensive of my own ability to perform the task given to me... feeling a little 'rusty' after having enjoyed a very carefree freelance lecturing job for a while. It's time to start my life anew with God as my Guide to face the challenges ahead of me.

I guess I will have very little time to chat soon... must try to sleep by 11 p.m. on weekdays. :(

When What Bothers Me Is My Problem

When What Bothers Me Is My Problem (from Daily Encounter)

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth"
(Psalm 145:18, niv).

According to an old joke which you probably have already heard, a construction worker took a sandwich out of his lunch bag and threw it on the ground, complaining loudly, "Baloney again! I hate baloney." When a coworker suggested, "If you hate baloney so much, why don't you ask your wife to make you something else?" he replied, "That's the problem. I can't. I make my own lunches."

The baloney sandwich can also represent the things that we do to ourselves and keep on doing no matter how much we hate doing them. I believe it was Einstein who first said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Another said, "If we keep doing what we've always done, we'll keep getting what we've always got, and we'll keep feeling what we always felt." And as another saying goes, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Simplistic statements to be sure, but very true.

I've seen people repeatedly get into toxic and harmful relationships. Others stay in abusive situations, or in positions that are far below their interests and abilities. Others keep repeating the same mistakes on the job or in their relationships and don't do anything to change their behavior patterns. In other words they keep making themselves "baloney sandwiches" that they hate.

The fact is that what we don't resolve we're destined to repeat ... repeat ... repeat--endlessly, ad infinitum!

So how do we/you change. First, be courageously honest and admit that you have a problem and that you are the problem. Second, ask God to confront you with the truth and reality of what you are contributing to the frustrating and even painful situations in which you find yourself. Third, ask God to give you the courage to see and accept your responsibility in overcoming your problem, and where necessary to seek and find the help you need to overcome--even if that means seeking help from a capable Christian counselor.

My Reflection:

Once again I received the above article at my Inbox yesterday. I like the quotations below...

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

One kind of people I can't stand (annoyed rather than hate) are those who like to complain and complain to others about something or somebody but do not do anything to change the situation within their power to do so. One good example is when a driver is driving behind a slow moving vehicle in front of him/her and starts to complain about the driver in front, yet not overtaking it when it is possible to do so. Another example is, if one wants to have better health yet continues to have insufficient sleep when one could help it, then the expectation of getting a better health would never happen. I just can't stand 'NATO' type of people.

"If we keep doing what we've always done,
we'll keep getting what we've always got,
and we'll keep feeling what we always felt."

Similarly, if we don't change our ways of doing things or our thinking, then it's not surprising we always get the same result and feeling the same way. We need to embrace changes and think out of the box to get different things.

"Nothing changes if nothing changes."

Hmmn... very simple logic, isn't it? Short, sweet, and direct to the point!