Keeping Relationship Growing

A good growing friendship does go through different phases between the two people involved... from strangers to acquaintance, to friends, to close friends, and to best friends. Then if they are of the opposite sexes it might progress to platonic friends or to bf-gf, then to marriage.

In order for the relationship to grow well, both have to participate in naturing it like growing a healthy plant: watering, pruning, adding nutrients, sunshine, etc.

But we know from practical experiences that there might be lots of ups and downs in relationship development. Misunderstandings do happen even between best friends or a married couple. Can the other person knows how we actually feel when we say something in our frustration? Communication is vital. We need to learn how to express our inner feelings as well as to listen to the other person's inner feelings too, not just listen to what is spoken.

I found the suggestion below worth trying, not only for married couple, but also for very close friends too. (I read the couple's journal exchanges with so much emotion... very touching)

Penning a Marriage
The power of interactive journaling
By Becky Zerbe


"Several years ago, my husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. Our journals are now a cherished record of thoughts and fears during the progress of a life consuming illness."


6 Guidelines for Interactive Journaling:
Keep the journal in a consistent location.

• Date each entry.
• Structure each entry as a letter to reinforce that the message is written from you or to you.
• Remember your spouses feelings. I keep my husbands photo at the desk where I write.
• Read each letter with an open and prayerful mind.
• Frequently acknowledge your partner for the time, love, and thoughts that go into the journal.
  
  "God in his wisdom knew we need the written word—after all, he wrote the Ten Commandments in stone. The Scriptures are filled with epistles that were so needed by the early Christians. They were precious letters that still guide us today. How blessed we are to be able to look at our Father and learn the importance of words written to each other."
  

(Click to read more)

Another article I like is...

More Than Words
Sometimes it's small, everyday acts of kindness that best demonstrate love toward our mate. Here are 9 ways MP readers communicate love—without ever saying a word.

Happy reading. :)

Count My blessings

Of late, I seem to have lost touch with my poem composition or any serious personal reflection. Perhaps life has been quite smooth sailing for me (or is it?)... neither high nor low. Perhaps my Time Alone with God has kept me from all the high and low of emotional turbulence.

I have been quite glad recently that I can be a blessing to my circle of close friends, some old and some new. Life is never boring with them 'around'. :) I was even more surprised by a poem written specially for me yesterday... it really made my day and spurred me on to reply with another poem. Thanks for the inspiration, my dearest friend! :)

Then an incidence caused me to be quite upset today... an injustice done to me, I felt bullied. I was very emotional when I tried to argue for my right over the phone. I ended up crying.... I badly wished I could talk about it to somebody right there and then. Yes, I did... after some time.

Not only that, I received a forwarded video from an ex-colleague today that made me laughed again... it was so funny! Then when I visited another friend's blog, what he wrote today also made my day. Aren't God wonderful? He used friends to cheer me up when I am down (without them even knowing sometimes).

Why did the incidence happen? A divine interruption? Perhaps God allowed it to take place to remind me not to be complacent when life is ok for me. Or perhaps God was reminding me the joy others will have when I am like the Good Samaritan to them, offering help to those who cross my path. Just like what Jean-Pierre de Caussade, said, "Love is the duty of the present moment." Can we drop what we have to do in order to help someone in need, or offer a listening ear when someone is in pain?

Yes, I need to count my blessings everyday... in good times or bad times. Thank God for my friends... the quality of friends is more important than quantity. :D

Pornography And You

Few days ago, someone showed me the link to the true story of a serial killer, Ted Bundy. I felt very sad reading his story. A handsome, promising, smart, young man, can be led astray just like that. I hope guys who are reading this story will realize the harm pornography can brings to their lives and that of the innocent gals.

Yahoo search of "Ted Bundy" will bring you to more accounts of this man. Below are excerpts I like to highlight. You may read the full interview by clicking the link below.


Fatal Addiction
Ted Bundy's Final Interview

Ted Bundy, an infamous serial killer, granted an interview to psychologist James Dobson just before he was executed on January 24, 1989. In that interview, he described the agony of his addiction to pornography. Bundy goes back to his roots, explaining the development of his compulsive behavior. He reveals his addiction to hard-core pornography and how it fueled the terrible crimes he committed.

Ted Bundy wanted to tell the world about pornography
What was it that Ted Bundy was so anxious to say? He felt he owed it to society to warn of the dangers of hard-core pornography and to explain how it had led him to murder so many innocent women and girls. With tears in his eyes, he described the monster that took possession of him when he had been drinking. His craze to kill was always inflamed by violent pornography. Quoted below is an edited transcript of the conversation that occurred just seventeen hours before Ted was led to the electric chair.


JCD: Walk me through that. What was going on in your mind at that time?

Ted: Before we go any further, it is important to me that people believe what I’m saying. I’m not blaming pornography. I’m not saying it caused me to go out and do certain things. I take full responsibility for all the things that I’ve done. That’s not the question here. The issue is how this kind of literature contributed and helped mold and shape the kinds of violent behavior.

JCD: It fueled your fantasies.

Ted: In the beginning, it fuels this kind of thought process. Then, at a certain time, it is instrumental in crystallizing it, making it into something that is almost a separate entity inside. (see what James 1:13-15 says about this)

JCD: Would it be accurate to call that a sexual frenzy?

Ted: That’s one way to describe it - a compulsion, a building up of this destructive energy. Another fact I haven’t mentioned is the use of alcohol. In conjunction with my exposure to pornography, alcohol reduced my inhibitions and pornography eroded them further.

JCD: Outside these walls, there are several hundred reporters that wanted to talk to you, and you asked me to come because you had something you wanted to say. You feel that hardcore pornography, and the door to it, soft core pornography, is doing untold damage to other people and causing other women to be abused and killed the way you did.

Ted: I’m no social scientist, and I don’t pretend to believe what John Q. Citizen thinks about this, but I’ve lived in prison for a long time now, and I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence. Without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography - deeply consumed by the addiction. The F.B.I.’s own study on serial homicide shows that the most common interest among serial killers is pornographers. It’s true.



Ted Bundy was executed at 7:15 am the day after this conversation was recorded. (He became a Christian before his death)

Letting Go

As I was talking to a friend, the subject of "letting go" came into our conversation again. It's been a very common struggle for most people. Some went on into another new relationship w/o fully resolved the old hurts (just like my friend) and got themselves into another heartache pretty soon.

Personally, I have learned to let go of my past hurts to God and receive healing from Him. I am able to talk to people who have hurt me without feeling uncomfortable or feeling any resentment. I have forgiven them totally with the grace of God. They are still my friends... and some are closer then the rest, depending on the other person's ability to do likewise.

The memories of the past never fade totally but my feeling towards them has changed... for I have let go and let God take over... I could love again if I want to.... without the old baggage...

Letting Go (From Daily Encounter)

"Forgetting those things which are behind ... I press on toward the goal" (Philippians 3:13, NIV).

The story is told of two monks who had gone on a day's journey. During the day the weather had become very nasty. On the way home that evening they had to cross a flooded fjord where a woman who needed help to get to the other side was waiting. Seeing her dilemma one of the monks picked her up and carried her across.

Later that evening the monk who didn't help the woman condemned the one who did saying, "You were wrong this afternoon helping that lady. You know that in our order we are to have no dealings with the opposite sex."

To which the other monk replied, "I carried her only across the stream. You are carrying her still."

When we carry hurts, grudges, resentments, guilt, grief or any unresolved issues from the past and fail to let go of them, we contaminate our present relationships with them. As another said, "Every unshed tear [and unresolved negative emotion] is a prism through which all of life's hurts are distorted."

True, we are to forget the past but we can't until we resolve it. Repressing hurts isn't forgetting them. All it does is bury them where they will take root, gather interest and come out in other damaging ways at a later time—either emotionally, relationally, physically, and/or spiritually.

We need to get all of these pains off our chest, express them in creative ways, forgive whoever has hurt us, and then let go of them. Only then can we truly forget those negative things which are behind and get on with our life free of these encumbrances.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me to resolve any and all unresolved issues from the past and let go of any hurt, anger, grief, fears, and resentment so I won't take these things out on others, and so I will be free to fully live and fully love. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

Another good article to read here:

When others have harmed our lives, it is easy to adopt an attitude of blame. We need to realize that the ultimate solution must come from inside of ourselves.

My Prayer For My Friend - poem

dear Lord,

let him know he is dear,
let him feel you are near,
let him know you are there,
let him know you always care.

give him wisdom as he speaks,
give him words that's sweet with wit,
give him power in his argument,
give him peace at this moment.

this is my prayer for my friend,
who needs your grace now and then.
may you get the glory in the end,
for i pray these in Jesus' name. Amen.

- your chid, bee

My EQ Test

What Is Your Emotional Intelligence Quotient?

You scored 90% correct!
Your score falls in the high EQ range.



Questions asked:

1. Situation: A friend has borrowed something small, but high in sentimental value. You've asked for your friend to return the item, but your friend has failed to bring it back.

2. Situation: Your long-term mate has ended your relationship and you are upset because you wanted the relationship to continue.

3. Situation: Your mate has a habit that annoys you more and more each day.

4. Situation: Your boss has assigned you your first big project, and the success or failure of the project could make or break your career.

5. Situation: You are walking down the street, suddenly trip, and almost land flat on your face.

6. Situation: You are on a first date, and you notice that your date seems to be very uncomfortable.

7. Situation: You find out that the promotion you were hoping for was given to someone else.

8. Situation: Your significant other is spending a lot of extra time at the office and acting distant.

9. Situation: You are hanging out with a group of friends and one of your friends starts to make a negative comments about a friend who isn't there.

10. Situation: Your best friend has recently broken up with a mate and is taking it hard.


(I will post my answers to those questions later.)


Bee's Thought

I am quite surprised by the above EQ test result as I always feel I have very low EQ. I am very poor at reading in-between-the-lines or interpret ambiguous statements. I need people to be direct with me rather than beat around the bush. I also tend to speak frankly from my heart most of the times. I don't know how to be sarcastic even if I want to. :P

But I guess I have changed over the years to become more sympathetic towards others and be more sensitive to people's feelings. God has transformed me by renewing my mind like what I wrote at my devotion blog, A Transformed Mind.

Do They Look Alike?

When friend S said that the photo I posted at Simplicity looked like my blog flash banner image, I thought I might just post some photo for comparison.

Tell me if you think they do resemble each other, ok?


1 2

3 4

5 6

Simplicity

I have just uploaded some photo taken during my One-day Charity Trip. As I looked at them, it gave me a kind of joy seeing the simplicity of life those villagers have. Life goes on in a simple way...



Back to myself... what kind of life do I want to lead?

At times I feel a little ambitious in my career, based on my personal accomplishments so far and all the compliments I received during almost all interviews I attended (that I am a "high flyer"). Yet where will that leads me to? The sky is the limit, so the saying goes. But will that make me happy? Perhaps for a little while only.

Sometimes I feel I just want to do a simple job, earn a little income and spend my free time to do what I enjoy doing. But well, I have realized that whichever position of work I take (from executive to director), or whatever salary I received, the stress level seems to be the same. Guess this is the Singapore culture of works. :( Perhaps the only way is to work oversea? I am quite tempted to try... let's see...

Friendship

Best Friend

Someone asked me recently, "Who is your best friend?"

I replied, "Someone who knows the song in my heart and can sing it back to me when I have forgotten the words."

Obviously that's not the answer the enquirer wanted to hear. He wanted to know the name of my best friend.

I replied, "Instead of asking me who my best friend is, why not become one?" :)

Yes, friendship is dynamic; "best" is only relative... so over time the level of friendship changes, depending on the time and effort both spent in nurturing it. Without constant 'watering' the friendship might deteriorate sooner or later... and perhaps 'die'.


Platonic Friend

I had an interesting discussion with another friend a few days ago on Platonic Friendship between a male and a female (usually between best friends).

What is Platonic love?

Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationships is friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sexes.

At the same time, this interpretation is a misunderstanding of the nature of the Platonic ideal of love, which from its origin was that of a chaste but passionate love, based not on disinterest but virtuous restraint.

So is platonic friendship possible?

To some people it is impossible. To some it is possible. I have such a platonic friend... believe it or not. :)

One-Day Charity Mission

Just got home from the Charity Mission Trip last night at about 11 pm. Though it's only a 1-day trip it's quite tiring for all of us... but rewarding of course. :)

I was asked to share a simple message with the villagers at the last minute, when we were boarding the ferry. Hmmn... that would be my first time doing it. Not only that, I was asked to share it in dialect so that another person could interpret it into their local language initially. Erm, hmn... I hardly converse in dialect for a long time. Even if I do, it won't be for sharing anything from the bible. Well, I managed to make a compromise... sharing it in English for another person to interprete it into their local language. *sigh of relief*

I decided to share the passage from my Friday devotion, What Matters Most. I shared the story from the whole of chapter 9 about the blind man. My interpreter was also doing it for the first time, so we kind of fumbled here and there (like the blind man). Yet God touched the hearts of the listeners and many of them wanted to believe in Jesus, just like the blind man in the story. Even the pastor's wife was moved to tears. Wow! That's the work of God, not mine. :)

I personally was touched to see that the villagers were so 'hungry' to know more about Christ and to experience Him. I also felt honoured that God could use my humble sharing to move others. Praise God!

I shall post some pictures here later when I have time... very late now, need to zzzzzzzz

You Are Always My Friend

"You Are Always My Friend"

You are always my friend;
When I am happy
or when I am sad,
When I am alone
or when I am with people.

You are always my friend,
If I see you today
Or if I see you a year from now,
If I talk to you today
Or if I talk to you a year from now.

You are always my friend,
And though through the years we will change,
It does not matter what you do.
Throughout our lifetime
You are always my friend.

~ Susan Polis Schutg ~



A best friend is someone who knows the song in your heart
and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

~ Unknown ~