I Need A Break

Someone asked me last night which day I go "pak tor" (dating). I replied, "everyday... from the time my eyes opened till my eyes closed... that's why I am so tired". Hehe.

So who is my date? Who can date me from the time I wake up till I go to sleep everyday? I leave it to your intelligence and imagination. :P

Indeed I am really very tired now due to lack of sleep. I badly need to go for a holiday. Thank God it's coming soon. I will be away for my Church retreat in Malaysia starting next Monday and be back on either Thur or Sun (if I extend my stay for shopping).


Something that troubles me now is my interview tomorrow. I know it's quite likely that the company wants to hire me (my 3rd round of interview) but I am not ready emotionally. The reason is I am very much attached to my present job. I can see the fruits of my last 2 months labour coming soon and I don't want to forgo them. On the other hand, the possible offer is more stable and is something I know I can do very well too. *sigh*

If you know me, kindly pray for me. Thank you.

My Perfect Friendship

So I am back to my blogging again... sign of being my normal self again ya? :) Thanks to the 15-year-old gal blogger.

The phrase "No Mortal PERFECT Friend" somehow got stuck in my head. It has a lot of significance for me. The realization that the perfect friendship for me is not just one person, but a few persons, makes me no longer feel disappointed with certain people.... it has lowered my expectation in a person. The only perfect person is Jesus Christ.

So now I want to thank God that I can have different people in my life who can meet my following needs...

Someone to share about my spiritual walks with.
Someone to help in my blog designs with.
Someone to cry with.
Someone to laugh with.
Someone to make music with.
Someone to sing with.
Someone to eat with.
Someone to talk about politics with.
Someone to talk about works with.
Someone to debate with.
Someone to make me feel not so weird with.

Right, someone for each different need I have. With all these different friends I would have got a 'perfect friendship'. Isn't it? Most importantly, I have Jesus who died for me... the greatest Friend of all.

Thank God for all these friends who have helped meet my needs. Each of them are important to me in their unique way. I hope I am also a friend to them in some ways too.

He Gives Me Strength

I remembered thinking this last night as i prayed.

God sets the situation, we make the choices.
He has shifted everything into place and we are now in this mess and chaos.
This IS the situation.
So now He waits and see.
So my dear girls? Now that you are in the valley, what are you gonna do now?
Are you gonna try to get out on ur own? Or will you ask me to help?
What is our choice now?

I also remembered thinking,
Lord, i don't ask that you remove this problem, this headache.
All i ask is that you give us the strength to overcome it.
For, it is through the suffering that we learn and grow.
If you take it away, I wouldn't learn anything.
But Father, I'm too weak to go on.
So give me the strength, but don't take the problem away.

- by a 15-year-old blogger, dated 19 May 06

My Reflection

That's a nice prayer. It is a blessed thing to know God at a young age, then one will have the mileage of time to learn many more things from God and apply them in one's life.

I remember I prayed that prayer too. True enough, God has allowed me to go through many heartaches and problems like everybody else do, maybe even more. Yes, I was down but not out, I was discouraged but quickly God encouraged me again either through His words or through others whom I came in contact with. God gave me the strength to go on and not stay at the 'pit' forever.

Great! I am feeling great again... simply because of what a young gal wrote at her blog. Isn't my God great? Ah... the power of sharing... positive sharing.

And you know what? I visited all her friends' blogs... I don't really read all of them, just browse through and I just feel so refreshed now. Most, if not all, are Christian teens and youths. I feel energized again. Thank God! :)

Sweet Innocence

I think it's not too bad to marry your 1st boyfriend.
You want experience?
Bleah. Experience a broken heart more likely.

Marrying your 1st boyfriend will get you all the same romance, MINUS the broken heart.
Minus the "trying to get over a guy" stage.
And wouldn't it be cool if your husband was the first for everything?
First kiss, first time to hold hand, first to show you the world of erm love.. etc.
No variation you say?
You don't get to see what it's like to be with another, and you can't compare.
Is the love with the guy you're gonna marry so shallow that you have to compare it with another guy's love to see if it's good? If it's better?

Call me a NUT CASE, but i shall not conform to the world.
Maybe i'm a little immature to speak abt topics like this but heck. i want to know what i thought like when i was 15.

Hey, sure friends, go out and experience the world.
Experience love. Experience everything and get a "life".
Then come back and tell me some day.
I think my soul would be better off than yours.
More whole, more complete.
More to give.

- by a 15-year-old blogger, dated 19 May 06

My Reflection:

Ah.... that's exactly how I felt at that age and I maintained that stand all along. ;)

It's nice to once again remember my innocence as I read the thoughts of another innocent sweet-15-year-old gal. Hmn.. now I feel young again. :) Free from emotional entanglements... just me, God, and pure friends. Isn't that what I should be experiencing when I am up in heaven? All things sweet, pure and beautiful!

Though young in age, there are so much things we can learn from this lass. She is much wiser than many her age as she has God to guide her life. Yes, at times she may feel down like any gals do, yet she quickly rise up again as she seeks God. I like reading her blog.

No Mortal PERFECT Friend

I thought I would be ok. With any of you guys (gals) leaving
But i realised that I wouldn't.
Somehow you guys have become a big part of my life.
Each person not the perfect friend for me to suit my needs.
Yet with the 4 of you, it can be met.
Someone to go high with.
Someone to make music with.
Someone to go out with.
Someone to share abt our walks with.
Someone to push me on in my walk.
Someone for every different need I have.

If one goes, something would be missing.

Maybe there is no mortal PERFECT friend.
But in a group, with different ppl to turn to, somehow your needs can be met.

Sure, we may rub each other the wrong way because we are quite different in so many ways.
But it's simply coz we are different, that different needs can be met.

- by a 15-year-old blogger, dated 18 May 06

My Reflections:

I have been so busy with my new 'love' (work) that I have no time to reflect or to read blogs like I used to do. I slept little and dreamt much every night... I felt exhausted as they accumulate. All my dreams were about works.

In a way that is good for me, as it helps me not to feel moody or be saddened by anyone. I just want to be 'alone', or rather I don't want to be involved in any relationship or friendship that could end. I just want to stay superficial, and don't want people to know me deeply.

What prompted me to blog again? The above thoughts written by the same 15-year-old blogger I mentioned before. She makes sense.... "there is no mortal PERFECT friend. But in a group, with different ppl to turn to, somehow your needs can be met."

Some friends told me that I shouldn't stay online so much to interact with my online friends. I fought this advice for a long time, cos my online friends have been closer to me than my offline friends, I am more open to them in sharing my thoughts and feelings.

But finally I did that... I hardly chat with anyone online this whole week, including my best friend. I want to run away.... I want to withdraw myself. Perhaps I might stop blogging one day.... I don't know.


That aside, one company has asked me to go for the 3rd round of interview next week with its board of Directors. I am not sure if I will take up the offer if offered. I have fallen in love with my current job too much... I have built very good contacts over the last 2 months and it would be a waste if I leave and my contacts would be very disappointed.

Maybe I must pray for a sign... not my will but God's will be done.

Stressed

My New Love

I have fallen in love....
Yes, you didn't hear it wrongly.
But I haven't told you about it.
In the day I think about it;
In my sleeps I dream about it.

So what has occupied my time these days?
Not a human, yet many humans...
Yes, I have become obsessed
in my work of dealing with humans.
It has become the love of my life.

I never expect myself to love it.
I never like to deal with so many people.
Yet I am now doing it every day,
and enjoying it every moment.
Another surprise in my life.

I don't know why I am into it...
Perhaps God has a plan for me;
Perhaps He is laying a foundation;
Perhaps He wants me to serve others.
Perhaps there's a future ministry.

Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain. (Psalm 127:1)
Let it not be me, but He.

- Bee

Mama Hao

Mama Hao (Mom Dearest)

世上只有妈妈好
有妈的孩子像个宝
投进了妈妈的怀抱
幸福享不了

世上只有妈妈好
没妈的孩子像根草
离开妈妈的怀抱
幸福哪里找

In pinyin:

Shi shang zhi you ma ma hao
you ma de hai zi xiang ge bao.
tou jin ma ma de huai bao
xin fu xiang bu liao.

shi shang zhi you ma ma hao
mei ma de hai zi xiang ge cao
li kai ma ma de huai bao
xin fu na li zhao.


In English translation:

Mommy's the only dearest in the world
With a mom, you have the most valued treasure.
Jump into mom's heart
and you have endless happiness.

Mommy's the only dearest in the world
without a mom you are like a piece of grass/straw
away from mom's heart,
where will you find happiness?



My Reflection

In our Church Service this morning, we were asked to sing the above song for all the mothers. Emotion overwhelmed me... I felt choked. In fact, we were also asked to sing it during my mom's funeral too. :'(

Even the devotion tonight on A Mother's Love also adds on to my reflective mood.

Since young, whenever I heard the above song, I would cry or felt sad. I wished I had a mom just like what the lyric says. Nobody will ever understand how I feel. No one, except God.

Thanks For Being There

It's been a long time since I last updated my blog. Some friends and readers were wondering if I have been ok. So I like to thank those who have contacted me in one way or another to check me out. I really appreciate your concern.

Actually I have been feeling quite tired physically the whole of this week due to lack of sleep. I went back to work on Thur and slowly tuned back to my working routine. Yes, I kept myself very busy so that I won't have time to waste on unproductive thoughts or activities.

I was again headhunted this week for managerial positions, but I need to seriously and prayerfully consider my options. I shall leave them with God.




.

Reflective Mood Again

I have been in a very reflective mood again lately and have started to compose poem after laying it off for a while. Now even more so as I mark my loss in my two recent poems:

My pains

I looked for love

For those of you who have given me your comforting words during the demise of my mother, I want to say "Thank You Very Much". I will remember you as much as you remember me. Life is short, love while you can. If you love someone, let him/her know soon... you might not have a chance if you delay.

I am very tired... need to sleep early.

Goodnight. God bless you.

Till Death Do Us Part - poem

Till death do us part
This is the morning
After so many years...
Now the beggining of my mourning
Goodbye, mom.

- bee

the persistently non-political podcast

A friend sent me an audio file that's quite funny, yet it hits home some issues. You may like to download it from here.

Forgiveness - Misconceptions

"It does not matter what happened to you or what others do to you, but it really matters how you respond to the love of God."
- Dr Tan K S

That was what the speaker, Dr Tan S K, said during the church Service yesterday. The message was on Forgiveness.

Misconception about forgiveness

1. "Please forgive and forget."
The fact is we can't forget, but that does not mean we can't forgive. We have 2 kinds of memories:
- emotional memory... memory that hurts us when we recall, e.g. your loved one jilted you.
- historical memory... memory that doesn't hurt us when we recall, e.g. you fell down while learning to ride a bicycle.

2. "Please understand and forgive."
The fact is we can't understand everything, yet we still need to forgive.

3. "Please overlook and forgive."
The fact is we can't pretend things didn't happen, but still we need to forgive.

4. "Deny your feeling, just forgive."
This is one reason why men die younger than women 'cos they tend to deny their feelings.


How to Forgive

1. Face the wrong
2. Face the hurt
3. Face the resentment
4. Face the cross
Only the blood of Christ can cover all our hurts and heal our wounds.

Forgiving by faith is an act of our will, it's not a feeling. We need to forgive others, ourselves, and God.


My Thoughts

Although I have forgiven the people who have hurt me, yet for two particular cases I still feel the pains whenever I recall them. As I listened to the above message, I realized that it's because I have not converted these "emotional memories" into "historical memories" yet. I guess I need to "face the cross" to deal with them.

A nice poem here on Forgiveness.